Funnies -

Sometimes our minds are in the proverbial gutters at just the wrong times...



Do you need glasses?



And Finally, the Classic Blow-Job Blooper!



Hope you're smiling!

Beautiful Agony...More Clips to Love

So instead of the usual Sunday Erotica I've decided to treat you little lovelies to a bit of moving, writhing, moaning visual stimulation. I'll keep the post short and let the sensuous girl above work her magic...

Oh, was that not enough for you? Here's the link to some more.

As always, I wish you a relaxing Sunday with lots of dripping-wet, mouth-watering moments.

Fur, and the Carnality of Love

Fur - If you're going to enjoy this movie, the first thing you have to do is to forget that it's trying to fictitiously depict the life of a very famous photographer named Diane Arbus. It has nothing to do with her. Once you've done that, you can see the movie for what it really is - a sexually provocative story that blurs the lines between macabre fascination, lust, compassion, and ultimately love.

Drawn to the enigmatic charisma of the mysterious man (Robert Downey Jr.) upstairs, Nicole Kidman's character falls deeper and deeper into a world of carnal sensuality with a man who never actually touches her. The movie is directed by Stephen Shainberg, the acclaimed director of Secretary (another beautifully complex sexual tale). Like Secretary, Fur is slow moving and offbeat, but filled with nuanced glances, stunning cinematography, and symbolic details that many viewers may miss the first time around. It's certainly not a movie for everyone. But for those who can identify with and follow the emotional journey of the characters, The movie will grip you from the beginning and leave you cathartically satisfied by the end.

Scenes that Make the Movie:

Their first Meeting - He talks to her and asks her surprisingly sexual things about her past. It's clear that she's never shared these details with anyone, and she's both turned on and embarrassed by him. Does she like to expose herself? Does she like the way men look at her? Does she like to be scared? A wonderful mix of humiliation and honesty, the scene sets the stage for their relationship.

The Bathtub - He gives her permission to be herself with him. Her real self. She doesn't need clothes, but a blindfold always helps. She doesn't need to hide her lust or sensuality. Finally she's accepted by someone.

The Revealing - This is undoubtedly the climax of the movie, so I won't give too much away. It's his turn to be vulnerable, to open up himself to her. Suffice to say that it's painfully slow, incredibly intimate, and heartbreaking all at the same time. For those of us who enjoy delving into trust-and-razor play, this scene may just be one of the best ever in portraying the depth of emotionality that can go into it.

Beyond the Movie - The Carnality of Love

But why I really loved Fur was the way it showed the carnality of love. She wants to keep his body with her at all times. She wants his skin, his breath, his hair. She wants to bury herself in his scent, even when he's gone.

In today's modern society these very bodily aspects of lust/love seem to be misunderstood and/or vanishing. It's sexy and touching that in The Red Violin (another great movie!) a man is so distraught over his wife's passing that he uses her hair to make the strings of a violin, and her blood to make the dye. There's an animalistic, instinctual need to keep our loved one's with us - not in the metaphysical/spiritual sense - but in the flesh. And although it may seem illogical or crazy to carry a vial of someone's blood around your neck (nod to Angelina Jolie), on a deeper emotional level I think we all understand it. We don't need to explain it. It just makes sense without needing a rational...

But since our culture is all about rational, this type of unconscious understanding is unfortunately becoming unacceptable to express. Which, of course, ties directly in with sexuality since so much of our sexuality is still instinctual. It's a glaring reminder that we are still animals. We hunger, thirst, and lust just like the rest of them...

And I for one think connecting with this side myself is what true contentment feels like - Skin, blood, hair, and all!

Getting Anal Sex Right - The First Time

This article contains things that may make you feel uncomfortable - including poop. If you will be grossed out or offended, stop reading now. It is intended for mature, open-minded adults only. Thanks.

Anal sex can be tricky to get right, especially the first time. And since it's something many people have questions about, I've decided to write this brief overview of a couple easy-to-do anal techniques. If you or your partner are hesitant about trying anal sex then admirable sex advice bloggers Dan and Jennifer have a nice video aimed at helping you decide if this is something you should try. If you decide it is, then by all means use one or two of the below suggestions. Remember this should be fun. If it feels like a chore or icky or whatever then it's not going to work! Relax!

Note: These techniques are written from a female/male (penetrator) perspective, but can be used on any willing, um, A-Hole of your choice!

Easing Your Way Into Anal Sex

Step 1) You must both be "in the mood" for any anal action to happen! I can't emphasize the importance of being turned on enough. To start, a nice relaxing bath/shower is a wonderful idea. Do what ever it takes to get your partner as excited as she could possibly be. For some women this may be half an hour of oral enticements, for others it may be a kissing marathon, it doesn't matter. But whatever road she chooses, do it until she's literally dripping for you.

I'm not sure how much men do or don't understand this, but there comes a point during prolonged "foreplay" when women feel an urge to have something inside them. No kidding. It goes beyond reasoning and straight to instinct (at least it feels that way!). You'll know when she's reached this blissful state of need, usually because she'll say things like, "Please, God please now!" or "I need you" or, if she's the straight forward type, a simple "Fuck me!" will undoubtedly clue you in.

Step 2) Now you can go ahead and start with the lube. And then More Lube. And then One Finger. Just one to start...You are Not in a hurry! The important thing for the woman is to stay relaxed and uninhibited. You can help with this by keeping up other sexual stimulation (like circling her clit with the fingers of your other hand, or kissing her deeply...The main point is to distract her from your One Finger). By doing this sensations will start to blend together for her, and she'll actually enjoy the New Sensation rather than feeling afraid of it. If she's doing great and still begging you for more, try inserting a second finger. This is when it may become a bit painful, so go slowly and let her tell you when enough is enough.

*Some people prefer putting a condom or latex glove on their fingers before anal penetration. It's healthier in terms of keeping the bad bacteria where it should be, and makes penetration a little smoother.*


Step 3) Congratulations, you're ready for the big moment! But wait, before you go plowing into anything just yet, make sure you're wearing a condom and very well lubed up. Even if you've been married for ten years and never use condoms, do it this time. The bacteria in that particular part of her delectable anatomy can cause your most precious pecker a not-so-precious infection. Consider yourself warned.

And like the rest of this journey, your mantra should be "Go Slowly!" In fact, why not let her be on top? If she is willing, the woman-on-top position is the best for first time anal sex because she can control the pace and depth. It also puts less stress on the sphincter which means it's be more comfortable for her and less likely to cause small tears/bleeding due to the inevitable stretching. Once you're in and out a few "painfully" slow times, she'll probably get used to the new sensations and set a pace that's good for you both.

If you both made it happily this far, great job!

Step 4) Clean up. Once your orgasmic fantasy sex is over, please take a moment to wash up with soap and dispose of everything carefully.


Now That You've Read the Do's, Here are a Couple Important Don'ts:

1) If something goes wrong please don't be embarrassed to go to a doctor asap! Anal sex, especially if done roughly, can cause real medical problems. If she experience abdominal pain, bleeding more than just a small toilet "wipe," or if he experiences itching, burning, etc. go to the doctor!! Trust me, it won't be the first time they've seen this stuff.

2) Don't make a big deal about the "brown" on the condom - if there is any. Be an adult and don't embarrass the person that just allowed you into her most sensitive place! This will certainly be the first and the last time if you do.

One way to avoid this is to try and go to the bathroom a few hours before the intended sex - but this is admittedly hard to control. Other people use water enemas to "clean out" the passage...But that's a whole other post in itself.

3) Don't expect to complete the entire process on your first try. It takes most women a lot of time to get ready for this (mentally, physically, and emotionally) so expect to break down the steps into a few sessions that build up. For example, try one finger the firs time and then continue with your "regular" sex routine. Try two fingers the next time, etc. Building it up in this way will make it seem less scary and more approachable. Be willing to talk through any of the fears or discomforts that come up.

4) Don't expect anal sex to be an every-time-sex kind of thing. Even if you both had an excellent time, many women like to save anal sex for "extra special" occasions. Then again, a few women love it so much they want it that way or no way...But those are the exceptions.

That's it. I hope this was helpful to you. If I missed something, or you have another technique that you've tried and loved, leave a comment and let us know!

Enforcer - Erotic Book Review

Rolling her eyes, she moved over and straddled his lap. “Thank you for the cookies.” She kissed one eyelid. “And the tea.” She kissed the other. “Thank you for being concerned about me.” His lips were beneath hers and felt carnal and fleshy and delicious. She grazed them with her teeth and he opened his mouth and pulled her to his chest tightly.

“You taste so good, beautiful,” he murmured against her lips and then her chin and neck as she tipped her head back, allowing him access to the hollow of her throat. As she did it, she felt her wolf move within her. Be moved within her by the submissive act of baring her neck to him.

He growled low, the sound trickling from his lips. With gentle but firm teeth, he took the tendon at the side of her neck and bit down. A shudder of orgasmic pleasure rolled through her, she whimpered as the sensuality of the moment flooded her.

~ Excerpt from Enforcer by Lauren Dane, page 112 ~
~ Genre - Werewolf/Human Romance ~
~ Rating - Very Good ~

***Some Spoilers Ahead - But Only the Obvious Ones...***

Plot Synopsis:

Mmmmm, and you wonder why I like werewolf erotica so much? Above is just a teeny snippet of one of the steamy sex scenes gratuitously sprinkled throughout Enforcer. At its core this 146 page short novel is about a human woman avenging her brother's murder and falling in love with a werewolf who may be partly to blame. Regardless of his culpability, they quickly realize they're biological mates, and must work together in order to bring those involved in her brother's death to justice. There is a bit more plot to it than just that...Her culture shock at entering the "Pack," traitors among the wolves, a potentially lethal biological weapon that must be controlled...But that's the main gist.

What I Liked:

The lead female character, Nina, rocks! She's mouthy, doesn't take crap from anyone - including her Big Bad mate and his Alpha wolf brother, and she can hold her own in a fight. She is certainly not a "damsel in distress" kind of gal. She uses a lot of "bad" words which may offend some readers - but then again if you're an "easily offended" type you probably wouldn't want to read this book anyway.

The lead male, Lex, is also pretty cool, though a little one-dimensional. As the title implies, he's the Pack's "Enforcer" which means he deals with any wolves who break the Pack's laws. Sure he's portrayed as having a deadly reputation, but he always gives in to Nina's wishes without much of a fight, making him seem a little "wussy" to me. I tend to like couple-fight-scenes, but these fizzled out too quickly.

What I Didn't Like:

It's certainly not worth a Pulitzer for writing style. However, I've read a lot worse. The author keeps her words simple and the dialog's decidedly urban.

The Sex:

Hot! It makes the book in my opinion. The author uses lots of detail and always includes oral as well as vaginal sex. There is one scene in particular that stands out. It involves the two main characters and Lex's brother. Yep, Nina has to have sex with both of them so she doesn't go insane, literally, for wolf-mating related reasons. Although a little strange, the scene is very well done and appealing to readers who don't normally seek out three-some erotica. From that point on in the story there's an odd, slightly incestuous vibe that happens between Nina and the two brothers which adds to the emotional complexity of the novel.

The Final Test - Would I Read Another Book By This Author?

Yes! She's a keeper!

You Can Buy Enforcer as an e-Book at Ellora's Cave Publishing Online. Happy Reading!

Buying My First Corset

(Yeah, Yeah. My face is missing on purpose and the date is wrong since I forgot to reset the camera after taking the battery out...)

I did it. Finally. I splurged.

I bought myself a gorgeous corset as a surprise for my husband. OK so it wasn't the hard-core "Victorian I'm going to pass out" kind of corset...But it was a lace-up the back "Playboy Bunny figure making" little thing! The kind you can't help but feel incredibly sexy in (as soon as you shimmy and suck yourself into it, that is).

I have to admit though that part of the fun was finding the time to sneak away. I went to my not-so-local Fredrick's of Hollywood store and spent the better part of an hour trying on and selecting the perfect one. Consider it female bonding time...It's not often I let a random woman pull me in to a dressing room and bind me into an article of very restricting clothing...But for this particular purchase, what other choice did I have?

Here's a link to the actual corset.

And as any girl knows, once I got the corset I had to get the thigh-highs and the matching thong and the jewelry that emphasized all the right places. Needless to say by the end of this racy extravaganza I'd blown almost $200 and secretly smiled my way home. I had to wait an entire day before I could finally reveal the latest additions to my lingerie collection.

But was it worth it?! Did he like it?! Did it inspire an entire night of sucking, fondling, vibrating non-stop sexual bliss?! The kind that turns you on for days and days afterward just thinking about it?!

Hmmmmm, I think I'll keep that part to myself...for the moment. Let's just say that now that I know the real worth of the corset, $200 seems like a steal!

Do you have a corset-related sexual experience or fantasy? I'd love to know!

Oh-Mi-Bod is Oh-Mi-God!

As promised, here is Speak Sexy's Review of the infamous OhMiBod Vibe! A big thank you to Kristofer over at Dragon Steel Mods for making this possible. Be sure to check out DSM for full and honest reviews on the coolest, geekiest, and strangest products this side of adulthood.

Welcome to the OhMiBod Experience...

Decadently indulgent, sumptuously wicked, and utterly pleasurable is the only way to describe the OhMiBod orgasmic experience. A vibrator that plugs directly into any iPod, the OhMiBod is one musical you’ll want to enjoy over and over, and if you’re lucky, over again…

What is it?

At its core the OhMiBod is a sleek and elegant vibrator. Simple in design, its five and half inch insertible shaft can produce seven different vibration patterns all on its own. (Hint: number three’s a warming teaser, number five’ll drive you straight to the edge, and number seven’ll have you seeing stars!) Then, with a simple switch of its convertible top, the OhMiBod transforms into the sexiest iPod accessory available anywhere.

Speak Sexy Says…

I know what you’re thinking. I was skeptical too. Does it really work like it says it will? Does it actually pick up the subtleties of the music and vibrate accordingly? Will it really change patterns and intensities depending on what song I listen to or how loud I listen to it?

Yes, yes, and thank goodness YES! The best way I can think of to describe how the OhMiBod feels is to have you imagine what it would be like to feel the visualization programs that come with most computer music players. You know the ones that make endless psychedelic spirals or imitate fire? They bounce up and down, spin faster or slower, and generally daze you into a wonderful music-inspired oblivion that seems to blend hearing and sight into one coherent sensual experience. Well, that’s exactly what the OhMiBod does. Finally, you can be “touched“ by your music.


Time to Get Personal…

Once I popped in my ear-buds and snuggled up to my favorite “mood” tunes, adding the timely vibrations to my most sensitive bits was a natural extension of the musical experience. Rather than feeling odd or distracting, the OhMiBod gave me the incredible opportunity to “get into” my music like never before. Every crescendo was tangible, every drum solo - wonderfully agonizing. But the best part was the game the OhMiBod created. Unlike all other vibes I‘ve ever tried, this one really deserves to be called a “toy.“ I had so much fun, honest kid-in-a-candy-store kind of fun, trying to figure out which song(s) would please me the most that I had to recharge my iPod by the end! Yep, it was that good. Now when I hear a new song on the radio I can’t help but think about what it would “feel” like. I‘ve been corrupted! Of course we’re all used to the idea of music getting us thinking sexy thoughts, but when was the last time a song made you so hot and bothered you actually climaxed? I’m telling you, you have to try it to believe it…And you’ll have a whole new appreciation for your “repeat” button!

OhMiBod Community Bonuses!

Apparently if you do have trouble selecting good “me-time” music OhMiBod.com provides a portal and blog where other OhMiBod users have created special downloadable mixes designed to get you off. Imagine that! Like I said, I enjoyed trying out different kinds of music to see what worked, but if you don’t have the time or just want a straight shot to the big “O” there are sex-music-aficionados out there who are more than happy to help you out. Wow, a sex toy with a built-in community…Uniting um, “music,” lovers everywhere!

Vibe Pros: * Too many to list.
Vibe Cons: * It’s not the quietest vibe on the planet. But then again, you’re supposed to be listening to music anyway.

The Official OhMiBod Information:
* Two vibrators in one! Additional end cap transforms OhMiBod into a manual, non-music powered vibrator that produces a broad range of constant vibrations.
* Audio enabled microchip is seamlessly integrated into its elegant design. Converts music into vibrations.
* Easy to use. Simply connect to music player via 3 ft "freedom" cord and splitter. Cord, splitter, and velvet privacy pouch are all included.
* OhMiBod users can be part of community with OhMiBod.com's blog, "OhMiBlog".
* DJs share mixes they've created for OhMiBod via OhMiBod.com's "Club Vibe".
* 500 beta members who are vocal about sex and comfortable with their sexuality.
* Sexy OhMiBod mixes are available in the the iMix™ section of the iTunes™ store.
* Volume controls vibration intensity.
* Quiet, highly efficient and powerful motor.
* Molded from premium grade hypoallergenic white non-toxic, non-porous plastic with chrome finish - very iPod®esque.
* Overall length 7" (5 1/2" insertable); Diameter 1 1/8".
* Requires 2 AA batteries.
* Optimized for all iPod® models, but compatible with other MP3 players.


How To Get Your Sticky Little Hands On One:

Just visit OhMiBod at http://www.ohmibod.com and check them out. It ships quickly in a very discreet package, and retails for only $69.00! I can’t say enough good things about it!

Seriously, you’ll never see your iPod the same way again!

What I Saw - Voyeur Erotica

Mr. Writer has been at it again...This time dreaming up a steamy voyeuristic fantasy for your reading pleasure. I'm very pleased to bring to you Naughty Ones another installment of Sunday Erotica. So sit back, unzip those cumbersome pants, and indulge your carnal side a little. But remember, this is a fantasy...a very illegal one at that...So please Kids, Don't Try This At Home!


I had passed by her house probably a hundred times during my evening walks. I had seen her out walking her dogs and playing with her kids. I had even spoken to her briefly while she washed her car. From what I gathered through my brief observations, she was a single mom. She worked a 9-5 job and probably made decent money. And, to me, she always seemed a bit on the conservative side.

My evening walks on the golf course were my sacred time of solitude; time to reflect on the events of the day or week, or just think through whatever was going on in my life. For the most part, I was unaware of what was going on around me. But that night, walking along the gold cart path behind the houses in my neighborhood, I saw her. Well, it wasn't all of her, but I caught a glimpse of two legs jutting out from a couch lit by the glow of late night television. They were gorgeous legs in that dim light. The light flickered and created shadows showing the tone of her thighs and calves. I tried to continue my walk, but all I could think about were those legs. Wow, those legs...were they as soft as they looked? Were they freshly shaved? Were they clothed? The thought of those legs consumed me until I found myself turning around to get another look. But, by the time I got back, the legs were gone. So I kept looking. I found them in the kitchen now. The night light from the stove made it hard to see, but I could tell that they were indeed not clothed, and only covered by a t-shirt. It must have been an old one, perhaps belonging to an ex-boyfriend or husband, or perhaps it was just a shirt that she acquired along the way. Whatever the case, it was a faded white and just barely covered her ass. And, as she lifted to her tip toes to get a Glad from the cupboard, I could see that the t-shirt was the only thing covering her.


She took a drink of water from the glass, set it in the sink and made her way to her bedroom. I was standing close to her house now, no longer on the golf course, but standing on her freshly mowed lawn, looking around to be sure that I was still the only one out there. My heart started pounding. This was way out of character for me. But I had to see those legs again. I found myself standing at her bedroom window when she walked in. There was one light on as she walked into her closet, took the shirt off, and dropped it to the floor. I couldn't believe my eyes. Her naked body was beautiful. Her breasts, like tear drops hung from her chest, her ass still tight, her legs tanned. There were faint tan lines from what looked to be a conservative bathing suit; one that covered her completely in all the right places. But it was gone now, and it was just her, standing in her bathroom, brushing her teeth naked.

Was I really seeing this? My heart continued to pound. I wondered if I would be caught. What would happen if I was? I didn't care. I had to watch. I had to see more. I was right at her window now, nose almost pressed against the screen covering.

She finished brushing her teeth, checked herself in the mirror and turned the bathroom light off. I dropped to my knees, just below the window sill. Then, another light came on. I peeked through the bottom of the window. It was the light on her night stand. She lay in bed now, on top of the covers, picked up a magazine and began flipping through it. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. She was so gorgeous in that light. I had never thought of her sexually before, but now she was all I wanted.

She reached the end of the magazine rather quickly and set it on her night stand. One leg was bent, her knee in the air, her thighs smooth. Her breasts hung perfectly on her body and she sat sort of propped up against her pillow. I thought it was over. I thought the light would go off in a minute and she would drift off to sleep. But she didn't. Her hand raised to her neck, then made a path down her body, fingers just barely touching her skin as they passed over her pressed, across her stomach and down towards freshly shaved pussy, then back up to her neck. She repeated this movement several times before her fingers finally found her clit. Slowly she rubbed it. I rubbed with her. My cock was completely hard now. And as she continued I was sure she couldn't see me. I stood back up at her window, and took another look around. I was still alone. The moon was low in the sky and cast little light on the golf course. Some night it was almost bright as day. But this night was dark. This night was ours to share. Her had went round and round on her clit. Her head fell back on her pillow, her eyes still open, stared blankly at the ceiling. Her hips began to rise and fall as she moved faster and faster, then two finger dropped into her and she just held them there for a moment. The came out, glistening with her wetness. She reached across her bed to her night stand, opened the top drawer and pulled out a vibrator. My heart beat faster. Blood surged to my cock. How could this be happening? How did I never think to do this before?


She twisted the vibrator to the on position and ran it down her body following the same path that her fingers had just taken. She held it on her clit for a moment. Why couldn't that be my cock? Why couldn't I be inside her? I found myself pressing my cock against the wall of her house. The vibrator then disappeared inside her as she let out a fairly audible moan. I could hear her! It just got even better. She began pumping the vibrator in and out of her. She was so smooth with her motion, so rhythmic like there was a son in her had that she was moving too. Again her hips rose and fell. Her eyes closed now as she brought herself toward orgasm. Her head began to move from side to side on her pillow. I dropped back to my knees afraid to be caught. Did she see me? My head dropped below the window sill. I closed my eyes hoping to hear her cum. I waited.

When I finally found the courage to look again, I saw that she had changed position. She was now sitting on the bed, facing me, legs spread apart, fingers working her clit and she was looking right at the window. i dropped down again. What was she doing? She must not be able to see me. I lifted again, she was still there, still rubbing her clit. I could see how wet she was. I could see every detail of her body as she sat there, performing for me. I stood again. i didn't care if she saw me. I stood right in front of her window, perhaps 4 feet away from her. She stared at the window, an almost sinister look on her face as she moved her hand up and down. i could hear her heavy breathing, her occasion moaning. I could see her hard nipples, her smooth shoulder, the color of her eyes as she seemed to look right back at me. I rubbed my cock vigorously through my shorts. A smile came across her face. She reached back and grabbed her vibrator and inserted into her dripping wet pussy. Again she moaned, louder this time, then began pumping as before. Her other hand past up her body, across her cheek and disappeared into her hair. I was literally pressed against her house, practically making love to her wall.

Her movements became more erratic. I could tell she was about to cum. Faster and faster she moved her vibrator in and out of her self, making sure to press it against her clit and she pulled it out and pushed it back in. Her eyes closed as if she couldn't have kept them open if she wanted to. Her body shuddered. All at once she pushed the toy deep into her pussy and help it there. Her breathing stopped, eyes still clamped shut, mouth open...everything stopped.

It seemed like an eternity she held that pose, then she collapsed back on to the bed. Her vibrator now lay next to her body, her hands rubbed her thighs. I wanted to jump though the window and make her cum again, properly this time. But still I watched. I watched as she sat back up, weary now, picked up her vibrator and and put it back into her night stand, slipped her still naked body under a thin sheet and turned off the light.


I don't know if she saw me. I can only assume that she did, but that's not really something you can just go and ask to someone who is practically a stranger. But, I check her window every night now. And when I see her out walking her dog, or playing with her kids, or in the yard and we make eye contact, I swear we both know. And, I swear she enjoyed it almost as much as I did.

Mmmmm, feel better? If you would like to send comments, story suggestions, or general thank yous to Mr. Writer, email him at SpeakSexyStories@gmail.com He loves to hear from his readers, and will be more than happy to accommodate your every request...