Where's the Best Place to Get Wet & Wild? You've Decided...

The best place to get your woman (or yourself) wet is...The Shower or Bathtub. What traditionalists you are! With an overwhelming 47% you've made me a believer that when it comes to sex, people usually go with what's most convenient. How decidedly boring! At least a few of you were more adventurous and thought having sex in the rain or the ocean would be a nice reason to get out of the house! The complete results were:

1. Shower/Bathtub 47%
2. Pool 16%
3. Rain 13%
4. Water & Sex Should NOT Mix 11%
   
5. Lake 8%
6. Ocean 2%

I was surprised that only 2% of you liked the idea of having sex in the ocean best. Is that because you aren't near a beach? Because you haven't done it before? I think sex in the ocean can be a great experience, especially since the natural rocking of the waves are able to set a very luxurious pace.

And a whopping 11% don't like sex and water at all! Wow, much higher than I expected! So the next time you decide to surprise your partner with a romantic bath, make sure you know before hand whether he or she will actually get your non-too-subtle hint...Instead of welcoming you in, he/she may leave you on the wrong side of the locked door! However if this does happen, don't despair, After Bath Sex may still be in your future...just not the dripping wet kind you originally had in mind.

Personally, I like the rain idea. Summer thunderstorms bring with them an electricity all their own, and if I'm ever lucky enough to have that moment when everything seems to come together just right for it to happen, the storm won't be the only thing causing my world to sizzle and boom!

Have Yourself A Sexy Little Christmas...How To Liven Up Those Holiday Parties!

I realize I have not posted much in the last week, but needless to say I have been quite busy with the impending holiday parties and such, so I apologize. I know you've missed me terribly...

All this holiday cheer has forced me to ask myself, have I been naughty or nice this year? This question often befuddles my little mind because I'm always both naughty and nice, and usually at the very same time! After all, doing all those 'naughty' things is what keeps the 'nice' things, like relationships, going right? Cut out the naughty, and you lose the nice!

Now that I have used the words 'naughty' and 'nice' at least five times each, you should definitely be in the Holiday Spirit! Keeping with that, here are just a couple spicy ideas for you to consider during the next egg-nog filled days...

For Those of You with Male Partners:

Candy Cane Surprise

• During one of the duller party moments, grab a candy cane off that tree, catch his eye from across the room, and treat him to a little candy-cane-licking show. If done right, he should be by your side and carting you away to the nearest coat closet or rest room in no time! The left over peppermint in your mouth will be sure to leave him tingling for more.

For Those of You with Female Partners:

Secret Santa

• Before you head out for the night, slip a little note into her coat/jacket/pants pocket for her to discover sometime during your night out. This works best if she tends to keep her jacket or coat on during parties. The note should contain only two instructions. The first is for her to go to the bathroom and remove her underwear as soon as she finds the note. The second is for her to meet you in the parking lot at midnight (or whatever time you think best). Sign the note from "Your Secret Santa." At the specified time meet her in the parking lot and proceed to have your way with her in the backseat of your car! This plan has all the trappings of a great seduction; surprise, suspense, mystery, and of course, the naughtiness of having sex right outside the party! For a perfect ending make sure you go back inside and pretend like nothing happened. Sharing that secret encounter will surely make the rest of the party memorable!
  

For Anyone:

Daring Mistletoe

• Every party seems to have that boring mistletoe above the entrance doorway under which we all have to give that boring compulsory peck of a kiss. Well this year, why not let yourself go a little? Grab your partner in front of the festive onlookers and give him/her a kiss to remember! (Bonus points if you include some groping!) The way I see it, your partner can react two ways; they either love it so much that they drag you back outside just to do it all over again, or they become quietly furious with embarrassment and stomp away. Either way the party just got a little more entertaining!

There you have it! My wickedly naughty ideas that will save you from another season of dull parties. I hope you try at least one of them, and above all...Have a Sexy Holiday!!!

Last Week's Poll Results - So, What Are Your Favorite Kinks?!

Because I'm sure you are just falling over your chair in suspense...Your Number One Kink Is...Sex in Public!! We have a winner by far! Here are the full results of last week's poll:

1. Sex in Public - 38%
2. Role Play - 21%
3. Spanking - 15%
4. Bondage - 10%
5. Other - 8%
6. No Kinks - 5%
7. Humiliation - 3%

So, in honor of all you crazy people out there who tingle at the idea of maybe getting caught doing something naughty in a place that you know you should be doing something more socially acceptable, (like sitting quietly and watching the movie like everyone else thank you very much!) I will write about all the many possibilities available this side of being arrested. You do realize that is a possibility, right? Indecent exposure and all that, remember? But I won't bore you with the down side of your kinks because honestly, those are no fun to think about. Plus, being arrested for having sex in a department store changing room does make for a great story to tell your grandchildren someday...Here goes, my top ten list of the best places to have sex outside of your home, hotel room, or car. Yes I did just include CAR in there. It just doesn't count as being risky enough to be deemed sex in public, OK? Without further ado, from the most boring to the most daring,

The Top 10 Places to Get Your Groove On Where You Shouldn't...

1. Any Restroom - Airplanes, Nightclubs, etc. This gets a low rating because you are usually behind closed doors in an already mostly private place. After all, who hasn't done this at least once?
   
2. Department Store Changing Room - Same basic risk as above, but a little less frequently done.
   
3. Beach - during the day only! You'll probably be alone on the beach at night anyway you wacko!
   
4. Park - again during the day only! Bonus points the closer you get to the kiddie park without being detected. It would be very uncool to be caught here on so many levels.
   
5. Hotel/Public Pool - Aren't there usually cameras, especially during the 'closed' hours...?
   
6. At the Theater - No not the movies! <insert snotty voice here> the Theater. Bonus points if it's an opera and you do it in the 'private' box seats!
   
7. Uppity Golf Course - It's a golf course, need I say more?!
   
8. Unused Classroom - Live out two fantasies at the same time with this! Somebody's being a naughty student...in so many ways!
9. Back Seat of a Taxi - I know I said cars didn't count in the beginning, but if you have the guts to do it with an unknown driver sitting up close and personal, I salute you! Huge Bonuses for not getting yourselves kicked out before you've arrived at your desired destination!

And finally, the number 10 place to do it in public...

10. A Graveyard!

Although I agree that this may not be the riskiest place to get caught by the living...it is the only place that you may be caught by the dead!!! Not only is this intriguing because it's in public, it also has the many added benefits of making you feel truly excited, pleasantly scared, and deliciously wicked!

There you have it. I do hope you've enjoyed the list, and perhaps have a new idea or two for your next little tryst into social depravity. Have fun, and don't worry, your kinkiest secrets are safe with me...

Question! Have you done it in one of these places? What, you know a better place?! Please leave a comment and tell us all about it! Thanks!

Can a Professional Submissive Make You a Better Dominant?

I recently received this question from one of my lovely readers, and thought it was provoking enough to make it a post. So, here is the question and my response to it. What do you think? Do you agree or disagree with me and why? I look forward to hearing your opinions! Thanks!

Question: I have been reading and soaking up the information in your blogs. I have been considering in getting my pecker wet, pun intended, with a prostitute who specializes in D/s. I am very excited with the thought of being a Dominant and don't want to embarrass myself by not being assertive and controlling in my initial forays into this new world that I am about to enter. I realize that it takes agreement between the consenting lovers on what is allowed and how far the dominance can go but I feel that assertiveness is a telling factor on convincing the submissive to open herself to the experience. Hopefully the professional experience will give me that knowledge and confidence.

Answer: This is a great question! I'd like to start by saying that I think it is wonderful you seem to be doing some good reading and taking the information seriously. I fully understand where your concerns are coming from. I think under the circumstances having an encounter with a paid submissive would probably not give you the insights you are looking for. There are a few problems that I can anticipate, but keep in mind that I have no first hand knowledge of this, although I have seen plenty of documentaries and read articles, etc., on paid D/s partners.

First of all, people who are paid to be Doms and subs typically do not engage in sexual intercourse of any kind with their clients. The services they provide can be centered on your particular fantasies, and of course, each person providing the service still has their own limits. For example, if a woman was sexually abused as a child by her father then probably scenes involving incest would be off limits, even if she is paid.

Secondly, many of these people obviously do this as a job, and their actual knowledge of the emotional intricacies that are involved in an actual D/s relationship may be very limited. While they may be able to "act" as a sub, they are not necessarily a sub, so may not be aware of the underlying emotional needs that a real sub has (there seem to be basic needs that create the category of sub, such as craving constant approval and attention, etc.) Because of this the knowledge that you in turn gain in terms of how a Dom should/should not act in a given situation may not be as useful in your 'real' encounters as you would like.

Thirdly, since every sub is different in the way she chooses to express those aspects of herself, there is no exact right/wrong way to act or be Dominant. It really has to be a match of desires. For instance, some subs love when their Doms are very strict with their every day routines. They want the Dom to manage all of their time and activities for them, and when they fail to do one of these activities, feel the need to be punished (and in the fun way); punished with something they really don't like. This period of punishment may allow them an emotional release that then brings them closer to the Dom. However, there are also subs for whom the idea of real punishment seems ridiculous. They would rather a Dom who is not so strict, but rather gives her list of things he likes/appreciates so that she can do those things at her own discretion. Under these less restrictive parameters, many subs find that they are more willing to do the things on that list than if given a direct order. So, as a Dom, you have to know exactly which way YOU prefer and then find someone who responds to that particular type of control. Essentially what I'm saying is that you do not need to go out and "learn" the "right" way to be Dominant, so your use of these paid subs should probably be just for fun and release, rather than taken as a lesson.

Finally, about your confidence/assertiveness concerns. I think you are right that these qualities can only come with experience. Because of the above, I'm not sure if experience with paid subs is exactly the right way to go. Rather I would try to find a local BDSM or Kink club in your area (they are all over)! and go to their munches. These typically happen once a month, and are just informal get togethers for people to connect and meet. They are usually wonderful resources, and many times can lead to real life experiences with people who understand and are sympathetic to what you are trying to achieve and learn. The key is to be open, and while I don't give guarantees, I think these groups would be a better way to start. I hope this was helpful!

*Do you have a burning question about sexuality that you would like me to answer directly? Feel free to email me at SpeakSexy@aol.com!*

Sexual Symphonies Served in a Tall Glass...

Does alcohol make sex better? I think its effects are particularly interesting. As you know, alcohol is a depressant, which literally means it slows down the functions of our bodies, such as our hearts, thus slowing down the entire circulatory system. Blood circulation, however, plays a major role in both the ability to become physically (sexually) aroused as well as influencing the way we interpret tactile sensations (Was that bite nice and soft? Just hard enough? Or what the hell were you thinking get off of me?!). Based on this one would assume that drinking four beers in quick succession would lead to a much slower sexual response time and a decrease in the pleasurable experience of sex. However, this ingenious substance also has the intriguing ability to inhibit our mental inhibitions. Although physically it may slow us down, mentally it opens us up, allowing a momentary respite from that ultra-critical, politically-correct voices which tells us what we can and can't do, what is and is not socially acceptable. So while those four beers may make us more lethargic, it also makes us more mentally excitable. But which effect prevails in the end? Well, if we use the amount of one-night stands as a gauge, I'd bet they more often happen while under the influence of Mr. Bubbles than not. Granted, not everyone who drinks becomes more sexually provocative. There are sad drunks, angry drunks, happy drunks, horny drunks, etc. Which makes me wonder, does drinking really bring out who we really are underneath that thin social facade created by our inhibitions? I know I become a lot more *affectionate* when I've put a couple glasses of wine behind me, and when sex does happen, I experience the act much more intensely than when I'm completely sober. I love being in that drug-induced haze where each touch and kiss feels uniquely distinct yet at the same time blend strangely together to create a perfect sexual symphony. I feel as though I can give more of myself, take more from my lover, and create something that is larger than both of us. Nothing comes close to that when I'm sober. Perhaps this is my own flaw...maybe I am too stressed, or too distracted. Wondering if I unloaded the dishwasher while in the middle of taking off someone's pants surely will not lead to that perfect sexual symphony! But, if I experience this, then there are undoubtedly others who will relate. Maybe alcohol forces me to focus by the very fact that it does slow me down. Maybe its effects are more profound on women since women are often cited as being distracted during sex. Maybe some people feel that drinking takes away from the intensity of sober sex. I can only speak for myself on this one, and my answer is unflinchingly YES, alcohol does make sex better, regardless of the reasons.

Four-year-old Super Hero Found!

His Power? The amazing ability to Sexually Harass Grown Women! That's right, CNN just broke the news today. There is a little boy in Waco, Texas (where else?!) that has been suspended from preschool for allegedly rubbing his face inappropriately against a female employee's breasts! Now although this action used to be called a *hug,* a behavior typical of all healthy little boys and girls, this little boy does it in such a way as to make the lucky woman feel harassed...sexually. This is a super power indeed! How in the world does such a young boy create within an adult woman the feeling of being sexually threatened or offended? Was it the come-hither look in his eyes, or the charismatic way he nuzzled her breasts? Don Juan step aside, we have found a new and improved version, and this model starts his seduction before he's entered kindergarten!

How I wish I were making this up. It is a very sad example of just how ridiculous the United States' mentality is toward sexuality in general. Sexual harassment laws began as a protection measure against the real social abuse that can occur within a structured workplace environment where one person has the authority to promote or demote someone else. All this truly meant was that a boss, typically male, could be prosecuted for promoting or demoting an employee, typically female, for merits or offenses unrelated to the job...In other words Boss Man could no longer fire Secretary Woman because she refused to have sex with him during lunch. After some time these laws expanded to the much more general idea that everyone has the right to a non-offensive working environment. Here is where I believe the law went one step too far, because trying to define exactly what a non-offensive working environment is is very subjective. Where this woman may find pictures of naked women hanging in her co-workers cubicle offensive, that woman may be fine with it. Where this women may feel threatened by a male co-worker complimenting her skirt, that woman may feel such compliments give her the boost she needs to actually enjoy coming in every morning. One just never knows what will and will not be considered offensive or to whom. This is precisely what has lead to the ultra-conservative, modern rules that now govern professional behavior. Not only is everyone scared to say too much, it is nearly impossible to have a conversation beyond the shallowest of levels. Just imagine this:

Woman: "The weather is nice today."
Man: "Yeah I wish I was at the beach, don't you?"
Woman: "No I do not wish I was at the beach you pervert! Stop thinking about how I would look in a bikini!!"

Next thing you know she has filed a complaint with the company regarding his inappropriate innuendos about them naked at the beach, and two weeks later, (after a thorough investigation of course), he finds himself befuddled and jobless. Seems a ludicrous scenario that has taken the very well-intended sexual harassment laws to the extreme, right? I'm exaggerating now, right?

And yet when I return to reality, I am confronted with the headline...Four Year Old Suspended for Sexual Harassment. There is it. And the only thing I have left to say is, I sure hope I get to meet this boy wonder when he grows up, because if he has the sexual wherewithal to harass at four, just imagine the things he'll be able to do at thirty-five...

Feminism, Rules, & Kink

Power dynamics are found in every human relationship. That's right, nothing too profound yet. And even though everyone knows that these dynamics exist, very little is ever questioned regarding how those dynamics form or how to change them once they are firmly established. In our professional lives these unwritten rules of behavior rarely pose a problem since they are often dictated by convention. Work place interpersonal conduct is usually very well outlined in either the bylaws of the company, or the larger laws of the country (often much too much in my opinion, but that's another topic!). However, the rules that govern intimate relationships tend to be much more flexible, with less outside structure imposed upon those involved, especially since the United States' sexual revolution of the 1970s when it was precisely those intimate rules that were largely overthrown. And while this was a wonderful turning point for gender equality, it nevertheless left monogamous, committed couples with a bewildering array of choices with which to move forward. If the woman was not supposed to be in the house tending the children, and the man was not supposed to be earning the money, what exactly were they each supposed to be doing? Whose job was it to empty the trash? Who was going to give the child that 2 AM bottle? Now you see the confusion. Whereas before it was clear who had responsibility over what, now there lay before a couple the extremely daunting task of deciding all of these things for themselves!

(But wait, isn't this a Sex Blog?! Of course it is, and I am getting to that part). With all of these behavioral reconstructions occurring, one of the areas that garnered the most attention was how the individuals within the couple would act toward each other in private. Would the wife continue to defer to her husband when making financial decisions? Would the husband continue to expect a ready dinner when he arrived home? In this new era both husband and wife had to ask the really tough question, the one most people avoid...what do I really want? If the relationship could now be structured for the sole purpose of pleasing those involved, both people first had to decide what that meant for themselves, and then had to find a working balance with their partners. And the worst part? Since most of their old behaviors were dictated for them, they didn't have to be discussed...Now couples were forced to talk, o p e n l y! As you can imagine, this alone lead to many many separations.

(And finally, the Kinky Sex part). However, for couples that did find a balance, the rewards were tremendous. They now had a unique set of rules to guide their everyday interactions that they were sure would make everyone happy. For those of you who are involved in the world of Dominance/submission this should be starting to sound intriguingly familiar. For those of you who are not, this is the basic premise of all D/s relationships...Know what you want, Discuss this with partner, Create unique rules for your relationship that work for both. Really the only difference between a non-D/s relationship and a D/s one is the level of communication and willingness to make up your own private behavioral world regardless of what the mainstream may think. If both people enjoy having the woman (or man) kneel when their partner comes home, so be it. If a wife enjoys being turned over her husband's knees and spanked because the roast was slightly overcooked, more joy to them! I don't understand why kinky and non-kinky folk just can't seem to get along! Can you tell which category I fall into?!

In closing, for those of you who believe that people who dress up in PVC and tie themselves to racks are just too strange to call friends, try to remember that they really are not all that different from you...they've just had the courage to make up their own rules...and live by them! Shouldn't we all be so lucky?

Misunderstandings of Affection

Hugging, caressing, kissing...These things are done as a warm-up to more profound sexual festivities, Right? But these things are also done for the sake of just doing said things...Right? If you answered yes to both questions, you can stop reading now. Congratulations, you must have perfect relationships. For the rest of us, I'd like to clear up a few things about affectionate acts. To begin, these supposedly lesser forms of sex play are often attributed to the needs of women. As a rule, it appears that women are thought to enjoy these aspects of sexuality just as much, if not more so, than the act of intercourse itself. Women tend to equate the amount of affection given and received as being directly proportional to the amount of love felt between partners. It is no surprise then, that when in a long term relationship, women often complain that their significant others are not as "loving" as they once were. They argue that the only time their lovers display these cuddling behaviors anymore is when something more is desired - i.e. "I am hugging you now in the hopes that you will want to have sex with me in ten minutes!" Women, on the other hand, want these hugs just for the sake of hugging. They don't want an ulterior motive to get one, and they certainly don't need an ulterior motive to give one! After all, to women hugs are love, not sex.

However, confusion often prevails when these signals are misunderstood, and many couples find that bestowing upon or receiving affection from their beloved becomes a battlefield over meaning. The stages of battle typically go something like this, using hugs as the example:

1. Man and Woman Give Hugs for Different Reasons
2. After time both understand that Her Hugs are just Hugs and His Hugs are for Sex
3. Woman stops Giving Hugs so as not to lead Man on, Woman starts rejecting Hugs when not in mood for Sex
4. End Result: Not Many Hugs! Man feels Rejected, Woman feels Unloved

Because none of these (mis)understandings about the interplay of affection are verbally discussed, this battle is continually waged in silence by both sides...unfortunately ending in complete defeat, with neither side the victor. Now I do realize that in the above example, there is the question...if the man understands that the woman's hugs are not for sex, then why does the woman stop hugging? The man will not take her hugs as having any more significance than the act itself. Nonetheless, in reality she does stop hugging because she doesn't know that he knows that she is hugging just to be affectionate. She only knows that she knows that his hugs mean sex. Yes, it's the classic, "she doesn't know that he knows that she knows that he knows" and so forth into infinity.

The simple solution to this affection confusion would be for the couple to TALK to each other about it. And although it seems easy and painfully obvious, most couples don't. In fact, most couples seem to prefer to avoid the tensions surrounding their lack of affection completely, content to wander around each other in a haze of quiet anger and befuddlement until finally the chasm is so wide between them that they seek professional outside help. While on the proverbial couch the man wonders why she shrugs out of his arms every time he tries to get close (especially in the instances where he has figured out she likes hugs for hugs and is trying to be a good partner by hugging her without wanting sex...just like he thinks she wants. This is compounded by the fact that the lack of affection in the first place makes him feel distant emotionally so he tries to bridge the gap with a physical act...typical of men by the way...thus trying to hug her even more!) The woman wonders why she no longer feels like spontaneously hugging her partner, yet at the same time longs for the abundance of affection typical of burgeoning relationships. Both partners feel estranged and have no idea why, often assuming they have fallen out of love with each other, and if the problem persists long enough, they separate.

Although easily avoidable, this is a common pattern within relationships. The (mis)understanding and (mis)use of affection can be linked to a diverse array of relational problems. Once, however, this pattern is recognized by both parties, they can easily find a level of affection that is agreeable to both, as well as decide upon other, perhaps more distinct behaviors, that signal "this is just because I love you" and "this is because I want to have sex with you," thus alleviating the confusion and allowing for more positive and consistent displays of affection.

Now for the kicker from my politically correct feminist side: I have purposefully used the stereotypical male and female roles in this article in order to make the misunderstandings regarding affection within a loving partnership easier to understand. However, these misunderstanding can happen in ANY couple, regardless of which genders are involved. There can just as easily be a man who likes hugs for the sake of hugs, as a woman who uses hugs as a signal for sex. I do not believe all women need high levels of affection, or that they enjoy these behaviors more than intercourse itself, and vice versa for men.

Question for Today - None. Thanks for Reading!

Fantasy Lovers - What's Your Favorite Kind?

It seems that when it comes to lovers, the human imagination just isn't fully satisfied with the normal, everyday human being. Instead of using the ho-hum characters who constantly surround us in the real world, we endeavor to create the most fantastical creatures to titillate our mental senses. Judging from the plethora of fantasy art and TV shows out there (think Buffy, Dark Angel, even the good old Xena and Wonder Woman!) I'd say these little indulgent escapades into other sexual worlds is something most people do...even if they won't readily admit to doing it. At once there is both the feeling that you are being silly in a little-kid-daydreaming kind of way, as well as the knowledge that having a fantasy about the proverbial monster-under-your-bed coming out and having his (or her!) wicked way with you is decidedly a naughty adult thought indeed!

The variations of these lovers is astounding, and I'm sure everyone has their particular favorite...probably rooted in some strange psychological incident that happened to us when we were infants or toddlers. Ghosts, witches, fairies, angels, devils, demons, half-animal half-human things, aliens...and my all time favorite...Vampires! I am in no way ashamed to admit that the modern idea of a gorgeous man seducing me and sinking his sharp teeth into my neck at the very moment that he sinks his *ahem*...Well, you get the point. Luckily there are lots of books that center around this theme so I am clearly not alone! And while I do occasionally venture into the realm of werewolves, the particular reasons behind my addiction to vampire men will certainly be discussed in a future post.

So my wonderful readers, my question for you today is, of course, Do you ever fantasize about non-human lovers? What are they? What turns you on about them?

Ps...This picture is one of my all-time favorites! It is by a very famous artist in the erotic fantasy art world named Boris Vallejo. If you enjoy this type of art and would like to see more of his works, visit his official website here. Enjoy!

To Orgasm or Not To Orgasm!

The first sexual experience with a new partner is always a tricky time. Unfailingly questions arise to make us feel nervous or jittery, usually helping to add to the excitement of the moment. Questions like; What will this mean? Should we do it right now? Will he/she be good in bed? Will I be good in bed? And while these are all concerns that most men and women share, there is one question in particular that seems to be specifically female oriented...Will I have an orgasm?!

For men, the answer almost goes without saying, "Yes I will." And if his orgasm could talk it would usually say something to the affect of, "This now concludes our sexual entertainment for this evening, thank you very much, and I hope you've enjoyed the ride!" However for women, even in today's world of Prime Time Orgasms, the answer to this question continues to be, "Probably Not!" In fact, according to an article recently published by CNN, 70% of all intercourse sessions end WITHOUT the woman experiencing the Big O at all! The reasons for not having an orgasm are numerous, a few being; the majority of women can not physically achieve orgasm based on penetration alone (regardless or what TV shows or Porn say!), in most cases it takes longer for her to climax, and it is generally acceptable for sex to end when he orgasms. Now, although these are all seemingly legitimate reasons for this contemptible lack of female gratification, my all time favorite reason behind this 70% figure is that apparently for many women the orgasm is not the goal, or even the best part, of the sexual experience. I just have one thing to say to these women...WHAT?! What women are they asking?! Have these women ever had an orgasm?! Have they been so brainwashed to believe that for women sex should be purely about emotional connection that they've given up fighting for their own rights to physical nirvana? Worse yet, I ask, exactly who made the rule that sex ends when he orgasms instead of me, and why would I ever acquiesce to this? I find it shocking that despite the fact that feminist have been arguing for women to take control of their own sexual pleasure for at least the past 30 years, as of today, 70% still have not listened. Now, before anyone goes a little crazy on me, I do agree there is more to sex than just having an orgasm. Of course the emotional connection is important, even if it is just a one-night romp, and of course the kissing, petting, yadda-yadda is wonderful in itself...but please don't try to convince me, that for some magical reason, women don't like experiencing orgasms just as much, if not more so (yes, the multiples!), than do men.

So, my big question today is...Women, do you orgasm during sex? Why or why not? Men, do you encourage your partner(s) to orgasm, or does sex end when you climax? (I do realize that this post mostly applies to heterosexual couples...)

Sex During Menstruation...Drs agree it is perfectly healthy, but is it pleasant?

Sticky and Messy, or Lubed and Ready? It seems to me that there is no middle ground for this issue; either you do it or you don't. Seeing as how every relationship involving at least one reproductive woman will have to decide on how to negotiate this monthly phenomena, I would assume it would be a very readily talked about topic among couples. However, I find that sex during menstruation, and menstruation in general, is a conversation very readily avoided by everyone involved. Women still consider it a "woman's thing" of which only women talk about to other women, and then only rarely at that. Men tend to avoid the topic like the plague, often letting well enough alone or cringing at the very thought that their usual object of worship is, for about five days a month, a volcano from hell. Yet even with all of this unease on both sides, some form of agreement, whether verbal or tacit, must be made about intercourse. Will all sexual contact cease? Will only heavy petting be allowed? Is it always up to the menstruating woman to decide how far things go? Will she verbally inform her partner that her period has started and ended, or will he/she have to find out by poking through the bathroom wastebasket for evidence like some twisted detective?!

I opt for the open communication option...If my partner was too squeamish to deal with a little natural blood every month, I'd have to seriously rethink where he fell on the maturity meter. If we couldn't talk frankly about something as mundane as a period, what would happen when a really hard or sensitive topic came up...

Anyway, back to the pleasantness question. This basically boils down to how dirty and/or messy you think sex could be while still having fun. Of course there is a little extra equipment necessary, namely a towel, and a lot more clean-up time after, but there are perks as well. For many women hormonal changes cause two distinct peaks in their natural arousal levels, during ovulation (roughly mid-cycle as you already know, right?) AND during menstruation (this peak is often not mentioned). So what does this mean? Menstruating women tend to be horny, and many also report that they have stronger sexual responses, such as more intense orgasms, during this time. So, for those who do opt to dive in regardless of everything else, congratulations! You are probably having great sex while others are suffering through a week of abstention every month. However, we all have our boundaries that must be respected, so for those men and women who feel blood and sex do not mix under any circumstances, don't feel badly about telling your partner NO. In fact, there are many ways of being intimate during this time without intercourse. For some creative ideas from a man's perspective, click here.

As a bit of a side note, there are a lot of people who get TURNED ON BY MENSTRUATION, call it a fetish if you will. For those of you who fall into this category, you know who you are and you are not alone, don't be shy about telling your partner...you never know, you may be pleasantly surprised by their reaction (very horny during this time, remember?!). It might lead to a whole world of sticky opportunities.

My Question; How do you negotiate your own sexuality with your partner during her/your periods? Hints, open talks, etc.? Do you have sex or don't you? Does it turn you on, off, neutral? Thanks in advance for your responses!

Is Pregnancy Sexy (& Should It Be)?

I guess you could say it all started with the infamous Demi Moore...You remember, that one magazine cover that gave rise to an entire social debate over whether or not a pregnant female body is or should be considered sexy...If you were living in a cave during the early '90s, let me refresh your memory. Naked Pregnant Woman appeared on cover of magazine, making the public question their own ideas of decency, femininity, and the sanctity that is considered Motherhood. The debate has raged on, though to a lesser degree, with the introduction of Britney Spears' cover.

Now, what I find particularly intriguing about this topic is that on one hand women want to be sexy. They want men, or women if they are lesbians, to desire them. While on the other hand they also want to be wives and mothers. (I am speaking very generally here, so please don't post tons of responses about this!) But is this really on the other hand, or is being a mother also supposed to be sexy? Considering that pregnancy takes up the better part of a year, add to that the breastfeeding period, and then the disheveled toddler period, this "Complete Momminess" lasts for at least 5 years, and that is with only one child. During these years I am sure women still want to be considered sexy. They still want their husbands to look at them like they are the most delicious thing in the kitchen...That said, why was Demi, and now Britney, so controversial?

The answer seems to be twofold. The first part has to do with women and their own self identifications. The very ideal of Motherhood is one of Pure Goodness, Unconditional Giving, Selflessness, Sainthood! Mixed with these ideas are all sorts of religious undertones, making Motherhood itself almost a state of perpetual Holiness (think Virgin Mary...that's right, VIRGIN!). And we wonder why we are so confused as women as to what we want to be...Sex Goddess or Virgin Mother?! The answer is sadly...Both. I say sadly not because it is wrong to want both images, but because our society still views the two simultaneous states of womanhood as a dichotomy. We as normal, everyday women, feel confused and guilty for wanting our husbands and lovers to drool over us, even when we are pregnant, even when we are changing diapers, (yes...even then!). It is no wonder that when confronted with an image of a blatantly sexualized pregnant body, women feel torn...Is it good that Demi is still "hot" or is she being a "bad mother" already? And how dare she flaunt it in our faces that she has already come to terms with this largely unconscious issue?!

The second part has to do with men and how they should react to a pregnant body according to women. If women within themselves struggle to come to a consensus about whether pregnancy should be sexy, what on earth should the men think? In reality, what do the men think?

Well, what do you think? Are pregnant women sexy? Is motherhood a sexy state of being? Do you feel guilty about being attracted to your pregnant wife? Are you not attracted to your pregnant wife for any of these reasons...or are you just turned off by her bigger body?

I would love to know, so please click on the "comments" link below! Your views are very much appreciated!

Pornography: Is It Good or Bad for Relationships?

I thought I'd start us off with a topic that seems to get all sorts of mixed reactions; Pornography Use in Relationships. Leaving aside the more generic arguments against porn such as the degradation of women and such, some people claim that pornography is the very thing destroying their marriages, while others feel that it is just another useful tool in their creative toy box. Both sides of the argument are rather well known.

Basic Against It:

• Its use fosters feelings of guilt in the user and mistrust, anger, and inadequacy in the partner.


• It gives men in particular unreasonable expectations of women's bodies and behaviors.


• It is cheating!

Basic For It:

• In circumstances when partners can not be together, it is an alternative to having sex with someone else (long distance relationships, during times when one partner is unable or unwilling to have sex such as after the birth of a child, etc.)


• It adds spice to a long-term couple's hum-drum sexuality. It can generate new ideas or act as part of the foreplay when viewed together.


• It is not cheating!

Personally I enjoy pornography of all kinds, even being the feminist that I am! I think porn is a nice way of "breaking the ice" sometimes...Nothing says "I want to have sex now Honey!" as the cacophony of moans and slapping sounds that gently waft from the computer during those free 10 second movie clips! However, in all honesty I must say that when I am not involved in my husband's porn excursions I do feel somewhat left out, and have even gone as far as feeling anger on occasion. But why?! Intellectually I have nothing against it...but emotionally there is a part of me that feels my husband's sexuality belongs to me, and mine to him. So during his singular porn sessions, when he is viewing, thinking about, and getting excited by other women with me no where in his direct sensual world, it feels unpleasantly strange...like he is being sexual without me when I should be there in some way! On the flip side, I feel guilty watching porn without him. So, do I think viewing porn is cheating? No...but I understand that to some degree it does feel like it, especially during those times when both of us are not involved.

What do you think?!