Misunderstandings of Affection

Hugging, caressing, kissing...These things are done as a warm-up to more profound sexual festivities, Right? But these things are also done for the sake of just doing said things...Right? If you answered yes to both questions, you can stop reading now. Congratulations, you must have perfect relationships. For the rest of us, I'd like to clear up a few things about affectionate acts. To begin, these supposedly lesser forms of sex play are often attributed to the needs of women. As a rule, it appears that women are thought to enjoy these aspects of sexuality just as much, if not more so, than the act of intercourse itself. Women tend to equate the amount of affection given and received as being directly proportional to the amount of love felt between partners. It is no surprise then, that when in a long term relationship, women often complain that their significant others are not as "loving" as they once were. They argue that the only time their lovers display these cuddling behaviors anymore is when something more is desired - i.e. "I am hugging you now in the hopes that you will want to have sex with me in ten minutes!" Women, on the other hand, want these hugs just for the sake of hugging. They don't want an ulterior motive to get one, and they certainly don't need an ulterior motive to give one! After all, to women hugs are love, not sex.

However, confusion often prevails when these signals are misunderstood, and many couples find that bestowing upon or receiving affection from their beloved becomes a battlefield over meaning. The stages of battle typically go something like this, using hugs as the example:

1. Man and Woman Give Hugs for Different Reasons
2. After time both understand that Her Hugs are just Hugs and His Hugs are for Sex
3. Woman stops Giving Hugs so as not to lead Man on, Woman starts rejecting Hugs when not in mood for Sex
4. End Result: Not Many Hugs! Man feels Rejected, Woman feels Unloved

Because none of these (mis)understandings about the interplay of affection are verbally discussed, this battle is continually waged in silence by both sides...unfortunately ending in complete defeat, with neither side the victor. Now I do realize that in the above example, there is the question...if the man understands that the woman's hugs are not for sex, then why does the woman stop hugging? The man will not take her hugs as having any more significance than the act itself. Nonetheless, in reality she does stop hugging because she doesn't know that he knows that she is hugging just to be affectionate. She only knows that she knows that his hugs mean sex. Yes, it's the classic, "she doesn't know that he knows that she knows that he knows" and so forth into infinity.

The simple solution to this affection confusion would be for the couple to TALK to each other about it. And although it seems easy and painfully obvious, most couples don't. In fact, most couples seem to prefer to avoid the tensions surrounding their lack of affection completely, content to wander around each other in a haze of quiet anger and befuddlement until finally the chasm is so wide between them that they seek professional outside help. While on the proverbial couch the man wonders why she shrugs out of his arms every time he tries to get close (especially in the instances where he has figured out she likes hugs for hugs and is trying to be a good partner by hugging her without wanting sex...just like he thinks she wants. This is compounded by the fact that the lack of affection in the first place makes him feel distant emotionally so he tries to bridge the gap with a physical act...typical of men by the way...thus trying to hug her even more!) The woman wonders why she no longer feels like spontaneously hugging her partner, yet at the same time longs for the abundance of affection typical of burgeoning relationships. Both partners feel estranged and have no idea why, often assuming they have fallen out of love with each other, and if the problem persists long enough, they separate.

Although easily avoidable, this is a common pattern within relationships. The (mis)understanding and (mis)use of affection can be linked to a diverse array of relational problems. Once, however, this pattern is recognized by both parties, they can easily find a level of affection that is agreeable to both, as well as decide upon other, perhaps more distinct behaviors, that signal "this is just because I love you" and "this is because I want to have sex with you," thus alleviating the confusion and allowing for more positive and consistent displays of affection.

Now for the kicker from my politically correct feminist side: I have purposefully used the stereotypical male and female roles in this article in order to make the misunderstandings regarding affection within a loving partnership easier to understand. However, these misunderstanding can happen in ANY couple, regardless of which genders are involved. There can just as easily be a man who likes hugs for the sake of hugs, as a woman who uses hugs as a signal for sex. I do not believe all women need high levels of affection, or that they enjoy these behaviors more than intercourse itself, and vice versa for men.

Question for Today - None. Thanks for Reading!