How to Seduce Your Lover with Compliments

In my life I've been lucky enough to be on the receiving end of many compliments. To most I've said "thank you," and then promptly forgotten them. Some I've held onto for a while because they've made me blush or laugh, but inevitably I've forgotten those too. However, I have received a certain few compliments that I'm sure I'll never forget. I'll use two from my college years as examples.

The first one was given to me by a homosexual guy (I'll explain why this is important later) at a party. We barely knew each other, and out of the blue he said, "You have perfect eyebrows." That's right, eyebrows! Interesting...

The second one was given to me by a middle-aged stranger. I was walking across campus, minding my own business, when he stopped me and said, "You know, you have excellent posture. I work for a magazine and see a lot of models, but you're stunning just naturally. I'm telling you this because it's not something anyone else would probably tell you, and I wanted you to know." Then, before I could really say anything in response, he walked away, and I've never seen him again.

So, what do these two compliments have in common that makes me remember them so vividly? Three Reasons.

Number One: They were given without an ulterior motive! Neither Homosexual Guy nor Middle-Aged Man were trying to hit on me. Clearly Homosexual Guy had no such agenda. And although I had my suspicions at first about Middle-Aged Man, he just left and never came back, so I took it as a real honest-to-goodness compliment. Because neither of these men wanted anything from me, and had no motivation to tell me these things other than because they just felt like it, I was taken completely off guard. Which brings me to my next reason.

Number Two: I was not expecting them! Even though you may not realize it, many of the compliments you give and receive are during times of expectation. It's the beginning of a date - "Wow you look great!" Or you've just stepped out of the shower - "Honey, you smell good enough to eat!" Yes, these compliments are nice, and probably sincere, but they're never going to leave a lasting impression simply because you could anticipate their arrivals.

Number Three: They were unique! People often equate uniqueness with a certain amount of creativity, but this is not always true. Giving a unique compliment to someone does not require an extra quick wit or sharp tongue by any stretch. All you have to do is find something about the person that you don't often see in others. In my Homosexual Guy example, he noticed my eyebrows. I was very happy with this because I kept them quite neat, and no one else had ever mentioned them. It was not a generic "You have nice eyes" (woo-hoo, like every female on the planet hasn't heard that one!) No, no...this was a part of my anatomy that was an attention virgin, and to this day my eyebrows are still loyal to Homosexual Guy because since that night, they haven't been complimented ever again.

Why am I telling you all this? Because I want you to seduce your lover with kindness. Making them feel warm and gushy inside with help you feel warm and gushy outside. Got it? So instead of verbally fumbling around with their mental zippers, undress them with practiced finesse by incorporating these three elements into your compliment arsenal; honesty, surprise, and uniqueness.

Honesty - give the compliment without wanting anything in return (or at least seem that way, don't be SO obvious)!
Surprise - give the compliment when they are least expecting it - not during foreplay!
Uniqueness - Pick an unusual body part or characteristic to focus on - But for the love of Sex, don't pick the eyes!!

Sexual Force in Women's Fantasies - Why Do We Have Them?

Considered one of the most controversial topics in sex research today, the prevalence of force in sexual fantasies is both undeniable and unexplained. For a myriad of cultural and societal reasons, research into this topic is scarce and the findings are largely inconclusive. Their are, however, a few prevailing theories as to why people, women in particular, become aroused while thinking of scenarios involving the loss of personal control and/or submission - sometimes to the point of imagining mental and physical violence to themselves (as in rape fantasies).

The most respected theories to date are the Sex-Guilt Theory (Knafo & Jaffe, 1984), Erotophilia-erotophobia Scale (Fisher, Byrne, White, & Kelley, 1988, p. 123), and the Feminist Perspective.

Simply put, the Sex-Guilt theory suggests that women who feel the least guilty about their own desires and sexuality engage in more force fantasies than do women with a high degree of sexual guilt because the less guilt one has, the more open one is to fantasizing about unconventional sex acts. But there is a big problem.

This same theory has also been used to argue the exact opposite. Some researchers hypothesize that women with more sex guilt will have more force fantasies because mentally relinquishing control to someone else allows these guilt-laden women a release from responsibility for their sexual behavior. By saying to themselves, "My lover made me do it" instead of "I did it because I wanted to" gives them an emotional scapegoat. So, because the Sex-Guilt Theory can account for a high amount of force fantasies in both low and high guilt women, I don't believe it has much explanatory value.

The Erotophelia-erotophobia Scale is exactly as it sounds. On the Erotophelia side are all those people who feel great about sex and enjoy it very much. They would probably, but not necessarily, be the same people who feel the least guilty about their sexual behaviors. On the Erotophobia side are all those people who do not like sex and may even fear the act itself. With regard to force fantasies, those on the Erotophelia end are the most likely to report having them. A recent study conducted in 2006 confirmed the association between the Sex-Guilt Theory and Erotophelia-Erotophobia Scale.

"It would be anticipated that women with low sexual guilt would not only have more force fantasies, but would also have more varied and frequent sexual experiences as well as a greater general affinity toward sex. In this study, sexual guilt was negatively linked to sexual experience and erotophilia, providing additional support for this openness-to-sexuality theory." (Horne & Shulman, 2006)

Finally, an answer, right? This means women who are open to sexuality fantasize more about force! Oh wait, let's think a moment...Maybe the open-to-sexuality group of women is willing to share the fact that they have these fantasies to researchers, whereas the closed-to-sexuality group of women is not. If I had to guess, I'd say much of the apparent differences in fantasy content is a problem of self-reporting rather than an actual difference. Perhaps the Feminist Perspective will shed some light on this issue.

Ahhh, Feminists hate this topic because it makes them fight each other - just like the pornography issue. Considering myself as part of this group, should we embrace force fantasies as part of our inherent sexuality, reveling in our desires for sexual submission - or are these fantasies an outcome of our internalized male-dominated cultural values?

Another great question arises, what of lesbians who have force fantasies? Although the research on this is well - nonexistent as far as I know - if you search the web their are plenty of sites dedicated to exploiting just this desire. Women's force fantasies do not always involve men as the aggressors. (And I do realize that many men also have force fantasies with women as the dominant, but I am limiting this discussion to women's fantasies...I'm not trying to write a book here!) Clearly feminists are not going to help solve this puzzle.

With the muddled theories and research failing to provide any real conclusions, I'm left once again to my own devices to answer the question of Why. And although I'll admit to having nothing to support my view, here it is. I think women, and many men, are turned on by the idea of being overpowered by someone else because it's exciting and arousing in a very physiological sense. If we are suddenly attacked or feel threatened, our bodies basically respond the same way as when we're sexually aroused. Our hearts beat faster, our senses become more acute, our attention focuses sharply, and for that short period of time we are transported outside of our usual state of consciousness into another. Our mind becomes confused and begins to blend the sexual with the threatening because they "feel" the same, at least in the beginning stages.

So, that's it, my entire theory. Easy. Simple. No cultural this, no societal that. Just plain physiological experience. And for the record, don't feel guilty if you do have these fantasies; enjoy them, relish them, and forget them...After all, when something is this fun, who cares about why?!

Sources:

Fisher, W. A., Byrne, D., White, L. A., & Kelley, K. (1988). Erotophobia-erotophilia as a dimension of personality. The Journal of Sex Research, 25(1), 123-151.

Horne, Sharon G., Shulman, Julie L. (2006). Guilty or Not? A Path Model of Women's Sexual Force Fantasies. The Journal of Sex Research, 43. 368+.

Knafo, D., & Jaffe, Y. (1984). Sexual fantasizing in males and females. Journal of Research in Personality, 18, 451-462.

"Good" Sex Values I'll Never Teach My Daughter - Part I - "Only Have Sex When You Are In Love!"

I don't like this "L" word. I think it's confusing, convoluted, and is given way too much importance in Western societies. Love isn't a feeling or an emotion. It's a pattern or a way of life that two people who know each other completely and honestly fall into. It's based on shared values, dreams, memories. Essentially, love takes a lot of time to build, and it's not something you magically "feel" every second you are with your beloved. Love is something you know.

To make things worse, this "L" word is often mixed together with the other "L" word...Lust. Lust is an incredible concoction of euphoria-producing hormones that run amok and cause us to do crazy things when our bodies see and/or smell a potentially prime mate! And as supposedly rational creatures, this chaotic state doesn't seem to be a good foundation for us to make decisions upon that could potentially make or break our lives...

Yet people do it all the time under the disguise of "Love." "We got married for Love and now, three years later, we're divorced." "We're broke because we spent all our money on movies and popcorn for Love." "We had sex because we were in Love!" And because people attach the "in Love" part to these scenarios the larger culture goes, "Oh that's OK, we understand. You're still a good person." But what happens when we take away the "in Love" excuse? We're left facing a culture that's overly critical and a self that wonders what in world we did all those stupid things for!

However, there are the few who realize this L&L distinction, and take responsibility for their ridiculous behaviors. The culture tends to look down on these individuals, if for no other reason than they reflect the hypocrisy back to the hypocrites. And when it comes to sex in particular, the culture can be all-out brutal to those who defy it and say "Actually, love and sex don't have to go together...I had sex just because I wanted to!"

Now don't get me wrong. Real love is fantastic and wonderful and one of the best things about being alive...but should it be a cultural necessity that validates your right to have sex with someone? NO! If I had to pick one emotion for people to base all their sexual decisions upon, it would be an emotion that's much closer to the act of sex itself...Lust!

Despite what I said before, this is an "L" word I like. When separated out of "love", it can be viewed a little more realistically. No one says you have to be together forever because you are "in lust," or that "being in lust" is the only thing worth living for. Nope, instead Lust is often portrayed as the emotion we should run away from. It is bad! It is trouble!

Actually, it's often the first stage of our highly exhaulted Love! (Shocking I know!) So why do I think Lust is a better decision-making barometer even though it can make you do crazy things? Firstly, because if you realize that Lust is Lust and not Love, you've a much better chance of having reasonable expectations for your relationship after the sex than if you go into it thinking you're already in that all mighty state of Love.

When you first meet someone and the sparks start to fly, you want to have sex with them as quickly as possible. That's just how it is biologically. But since our culture dictates that you should be "in Love" before this happens, people skip through the "I'm just in Lust" stage of thinking and run head long into the "Yep, we're in Love so we can have sex now without feeling guilty or wrong...Even if we did just meet at the bar an hour ago!" Now you're just lying to yourself, and the possibility of you getting hurt increases.

Secondly, a lot of people, especially young women, have sex for reasons other than their own internal lusty desires. She may have sex to progress a relationship, or because everyone else is doing it, or because her partner is pressuring her. I think sex should be enjoyed and expressed freely, not as a duty or obligation. So, if you use your own feelings of Lust as a decisions-maker, you will only have sex when you honestly WANT to...and this is very important for one's own self-respect and esteem.

In the end, what will I teach my daughter? I'll teach her to have sex only when she really wants to, only when she feels that incredible desire to merge herself fully with someone else, when her skin tingles and her vision blurs...

Only Have Sex When You Are Truly In Lust.

The Artistry of Erotic Photography at Home

If you haven't already noticed, I am in love with high-quality erotic photography, particularly female nudes. There's something about the graceful curve of a woman's breast, hip, or even shoulder that creamily blends together the carnal act of sex itself with the deeper, more profound emotions of making love. Being able to capture this delicious mixture on film (or in today's world in pixels!) is to me one of the best uses for photography.

But my love of erotic photography doesn't stop at mere admiration. I also enjoy producing it, in private and at home. One of the things I enjoy most is showing my husband the results of my little adventures into the lens. Watching him admire the pictures makes me feel sexy and desired. Instead of surfing the web to see "hot" pictures of meaningless, random women, all he has to do is open a file on our computer with the knowledge that those pictures were made just for him.

So, why am I telling you all this? Because I want to open you up to the possibility of doing the same for your lover. With a little creativity anyone can make beautiful photos at home. And while it's an incredibly rewarding experience to have your lover be the photographer, it is possible to do it all by yourself. All you need is;

• a camera (preferably digital)
• a full-length mirror
• some editing software. I use Google's Picasa because it's free and has some neat features to play around with during editing.

First, I decide which body part I want to focus on capturing. Then I imagine what the end result might look like (it never comes out exactly as I imagined, but I can get it pretty close). Next, I put on (or take off as the case may be) whatever I need to enhance the picture. Sometimes it's dark makeup or a particular piece of lingerie. Once I look the part, I set myself in front of the mirror and play around with the angles.

What looks good? What enhances and what detracts? How is the lighting, is it all behind or in front? Where are the shadows? If the lighting doesn't work well in one spot I take the mirror and move to another part of the house. When I am happy with that, I make sure the background is not too cluttered. I try to position myself against a blank wall if possible...but remember as you get more creative you might want to have certain props or textures behind you. This can get as complicated as you like!

Here is the really tricky part. After positioning myself in the mirror exactly as I desire, I face the camera towards me so that I can see the preview screen on the back of the camera reflected in the mirror. Most digital cameras have a preview screen. This way I can see just what the camera will be taking a picture of. It eliminates most of the guess work. Once I am content with what I see in the preview screen, I take the picture. Rarely does the first picture come out as I expected...so I make any necessary adjustments and try again, and again, and again. Eventually I get a series of pictures that I think will work once I put them through the editing process.

Now for some fun, editing! This is my favorite part of the process because I can take a good picture and make it great. Using the editing software, I play around with lighting, tinting, color, focus, cropping, and such until I end up with a high-quality (looking!) photo that I am proud of.

Viola, I now have my own erotic pictures that I can use to surprise the pants off my lover! If I enjoy this process so much, I'm sure that making your own collection will be just as rewarding.

...And yes, the picture above really is me...

Intriguing Your Lover...Again

My husband was as a Pirate for Halloween once. It was some of the best sex we've ever had.

One of the main reasons sex is so exciting in the beginning of any relationship is because your partner is a new experience for you. Humans not only enjoy, but seek out new experiences all the time. It's just part of who we are. And while this adventurous streak leads us to do things like use fire and invent the wheel, it also leads us to stray from our long term and otherwise happy relationships.

The good news is that providing novelty from time to time isn't as hard as it may seem. Depending on how observant your partner is, very small changes might be enough to add that little shimmer of something new. (For those of you who have not-so-observant partners you might have to hit them over the head with something more dramatic, something from the deeper crevices of your twisted imagination perhaps).

Maybe your man has never had sex with a blond before so you buy a cheap wig and surprise him, or maybe your girlfriend thinks that new cologne is particularly intriguing, or she's never seen you wear that color before. It really doesn't matter what the change is, as long as it's noticeable and out of character.

"Out of character? But they fell in love with me!" Yes, of course they did, and they still love you, don't worry. But shaking up the usual, whether it's clothing, hairstyle, makeup, or even the way you do a certain daily routine ("Honey, why are you getting out of bed so early? It's Saturday and you always sleep in...") will start to make your partner question just how well they actually know you. And this makes them curious about you, yes curious, something they probably haven't been for quite a while.

Now that they're curious, you have their attention, and once you have that the sparks will begin to fly all by themselves again. A word of warning, you must devise a little plan of attack at this point, because remember how easily bored we are? You have to do something to keep their attention! Little sexy hints are a great way. If you're typically not very affectionate, be sure to give a quick kiss to his/her neck before you sit down to dinner (a little swipe of the tongue wouldn't hurt either). The idea is to surprise, to throw your partner a little off balance. You know yourselves best, what could you do that would cause your lover's eyebrows to raise? Even learning a new word and casually throwing it in during a conversation could do the trick. It just depends on you as a couple.

But if you want all this preparation to lead to a passionate quickie on the counter, be sure to tantalize them with unexpected touches throughout. They don't even have to be particularly sexy touches...Put your hand on her back as you walk by, or accidentally brush against him. Each time you let yourself into your lover's private space it reminds them of your shared intimacy.

So, now that you've peaked your lover's curiosity, and secured their attention...Go ahead and take advantage of it. Your lover will enjoy conquering someone new, and you'll happily surrender yourself for the taking.

PS - This type of trickery is just below the wicked fun of all out role-play. Role playing works so well because it uses the foundational ideas of character manipulation and physical representation to remind lovers that everyone has multiple personalities. You may think you know your parter through and through, but given the right circumstances and the right motivation, everyone has their own set of endless, erotic surprises...But that's for another post.

Booty Calls - When Porn Just Isn't Enough!

We've all been there at some point...Well, most of us anyway. It's late. You're horny. And watching those little people on the screen bang away at each other just isn't doing it for you. Nope, tonight you want...you need...the real thing.

So you get to thinking about your options. At the top is usually your X's if you're still on speaking terms. Hell, even if you aren't you'll probably still add them to your mental list of do-ables. After all, at some point in history they agreed to sleep with you so your chances of hooking up with one of them is a lot greater than with the girl you passed on the street earlier who got you in this mood in the first place! Then you remember you have no X's...

Next on the list might be your "good friends." Yep, you think, good friends can come with "benefits" right? He/she did give you that come-hither look a couple days ago...didn't they? Hmm, maybe you imagined it. You're starting to hallucinate. Moving right along...

Ugh! You've exhausted your list of 3-D PlayPals and have wound up thinking about the people in your computer again! That's right, your 2-D chat buddies are now your most viable sex pool. Sorry, but it's really not looking good for you.

"No! No! Don't do it!" You think to yourself...but your fingers take on a life of their own, and it's too late. To your disgust you're now trolling the chat rooms, and have confirmed your loser status.

My apologies, GAME OVER.

So, when asked how far you'd go for a late night booty call, here's what you said:

I would drive for...

1 Hour Max! - 39%
3o Minutes and No More! - 22%
As Long As It Takes! I'm Really Desperate!- 16%
Only 15 Minutes, I Get It All The Time Anyway! - 11%
A Booty What? I've Never Heard of Such a Thing! - 6%

Ha, Thanks for Voting My Little Lovelies!!!

Obsession, Seduction, Possession

If I had to sum up my sexual desires into just one picture, I think this would be it. There's something about the possessive/tender way he's holding her, the hungry, almost threatening look in his eyes. She's given her all to him...and he's reveling in that power.

Maybe it started at a bar, or in a library, or at work. It doesn't really matter where. What does matter is that he saw her, scented her, and made the decision to go after her. But how?

Obsession

First, he stalked her. She consumed his every waking thought as well as his darkest fantasies. He was smart about it though, and casually asked around, found out who she was - her name, favorite foods, that she preferred stringy lingerie. Eventually he could recite her weekly schedule better than she could. Only when he was sure he knew everything there was to know about her, content he'd gathered enough ammunition against her, did he begin the chase.

Seduction

She didn't realize what was happening at first. They just seemed to run into each other a lot - like at the grocery store. She guessed he just lived close by, and thought nothing else of it. Then one Friday evening while renting a movie he was suddenly behind her, whispering in her ear, his body too close. When he spoke she could feel his warmth, his breadth, and that's all that seemed to matter. His proximity made her nervous, and her nervousness made her excited. But before she could respond, he left.

The next morning she tried to recall what he'd said to her as she lay alone in bed, but his words had been vague, or was it her memory that was vague?...Something about the shampoo she used? Could that be right? She dismissed the thought, remembering only the feeling of his body behind her as her hand slid beneath the sheets...

Two weeks and a few dates later, he grew tired of waiting, and began to hunt her in earnest. His end-of-the-night kisses now included pinning her to the wall, or sinking his fists into her hair. He liked her resistances, and understood them as an act. He could taste her increasing desire, but refused to give into his own. He wanted the time to be right. He wanted her to understand. He wanted to hear her beg.

Possession

And finally, on one not so special night, he went for the kill. Without a preamble or a warning, he bared his claws, locked his jaws, and refused to let her go...But in that final moment, a curious thing happened. Instead of struggling in his arms, she relaxed completely for the first time. His teeth scraped against her skin, promising to devour her. So she closed her eyes, tilted her head back, and offered him her throat - waiting, suspended, free.

And in her languid stillness, in her utter silence, he heard her beg...