Stereotypes...Really? Still?

As the title suggests, I've been thinking about stereotypes lately, particularly those involving women's sexuality, and was wondering if they actually still exist in mainstream U.S. culture.

Stereotypes like:

Women Don't Masturbate.
Women Don't Like Sex.
Women Aren't As Sexual As Men.
Women Only Have Anal Sex To Please The Man.
Women Who Are Overtly Sexual Are Sluts.
Women "Bring On" Rape When They Dress Too "Provocatively."
Women Are Sexually Submissive/Shy.
Women Don't Feel The Need To Orgasm During Sex.
Etc...

These issues are talked and written about a lot, but how many people honestly still believe in them? Part of me feels like women have finally found their rightful place in Sexual Wonderland, and that people keep bemoaning these old stereotypes because they have nothing else to write about. After all, it's much easier to write an article telling women to "express themselves sexually" or "it's OK to feel sexual regardless of what people think" than it is to come up with new and truly intriguing articles about exploring sexuality itself. (Trust me, I know!) Even I'll admit to falling back on the easy "Stereotype Breaking" article routine...

But more and more I think those oh-so-revealing-and-liberating! type hype is just outdated. Today's women are sexually familiar with themselves. More women have vibrators and other sex toys now than ever before. They don't feel guilty for their physical exploits, so why bother writing crap that assumes they do and tries to convince them not to be? When I come across these kinds of articles, I roll my eyes in response. "Here we go again..." I think to myself...and if I think that I'm sure plenty of other women have the same reaction.

Hmm, realizing this, what the hell can I write about instead? OK, so both men and women are guiltless sexual tigers who go around parading their openness and enjoying mutual, respectful, and healthy gratification each and every time they have sex.

Does that sound about right to you? No, it doesn't to me either. I guess we're still somewhere between those extremes...Not uptight and ridden with fiery images of Hell or hairy masturbatory palms, but not happy-go-lucky and perfectly cognizant of the health consequences either. I guess there is more work to be done...Thank Goodness for Me!

But really, can we, as sexologists, as sexperts, as whatevers, stop with the Stereotype Cleansing Articles? We get it already! We're cleansed! Time to move on to the hard, intense, and juicy aspects of sex...the nitty-gritty stuff that we do soooo enjoy. Let's work on improving those things, and put the Stereotype Talk to rest!

That said, do you agree that these stereotypes are finally gone...Or am I wrong? Do the women you encounter have any of these or other equally well-known stereotypical hangups? Do you as a woman fit these stereotypes?

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Erotic? What's That?!

I came across an interesting blog article called Where is the Real Sex? It's not on a sex blog per se, but the author brought up a good point, arguing that sex in American pop culture (music, movies, etc.) has lost its erotic appeal. Val concludes, "too many Americans are not afraid of sex but eroticism terrifies them." And I think I agree, though admittedly I haven't given this much thought yet.

To help me work through this issue I consulted the all-knowing Merriam-Webster dictionary online. According to this oracle, Erotic is: "of, devoted to, or tending to arouse sexual love or desire" or "strongly marked or affected by sexual desire." Hmm, sounds good, but what exactly is Desire? Apparently it's "to long or hope for" and "stresses the strength of feeling and often implies strong intention or aim."

So as I understand it, an erotic scene would be one that causes the viewer to become sexually aroused, but on an emotional level (hence the sexual love part) as well as a physical one, AND causes the viewer to want to have sex in such a manner. Based on this, I agree with Val, most sex scenes or suggestive videos do not meet these requirements because they lack the emotional depth for this kind of sexual appeal.

The flat sexuality that is often portrayed undoubtedly causes physical arousal for most people. It doesn't take much to make humans hard, wet, get to get them thinking about sex in its general forms. Like other animals, we're programmed to behave in these ways with the right stimulus. But are these images putting you in an erotic frame of mind? Is it making you look at the object of your sexual desire with love...or at the very least sexual respect?

Probably not. There is a difference between sticking your penis in someone, jostling it about for a while, and then taking it out verses actually experiencing the combination of nervous excitement, expectation, longing, and emotional catharsis that a truly erotic encounter can create. It's the difference between eating your favorite foods with a clothespin on your nose verses taking your time to fully breath and savor the bursts of flavor in every bite.

Knowing this, my question becomes, why are we taking away the sinfully pleasurable indulgences of our sexuality and constantly passing around the boring stuff? My only answer is that it's much easier to trigger our physical responses than our sexual emotions. (No I'm not going into the feminist women-as-objects-in-our-culture-debate here!) Showing a woman's ass bouncing around in a thong is very easy to capture on film. Making the viewer fall in sexual love with her and want to have emotionally passionate sex with her is much much harder.

But wouldn't it be worth the effort? Think back, and I'm sure there have been at least a couple scenes that have aroused all of you, not just your body. Weren't those the truly memorable ones? Didn't you replay them in your mind just to feel that incredible sexual craving again? Of course you did, because it's one of those rare feelings that make life worth living. It's passion. It's intensity. It's exactly what you felt when you first fell in love/lust.

And we're letting our creative laziness block it out!

So here's what I want you, my highly appreciated readers to do. Tell me in the comments section what movies, videos, etc. are really erotic to watch. I want to see them! I want to feel them! And I want to give credit to those artists who went beyond the physical to give us a glimpse of the real reason we love sex.

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Masturbating in Bed & Other Such Goodies

As masturbation month continues, I've been giving some thought to how couples view their own and their partner's masturbation. Although I've heard from many people, both men and women alike, that watching their parter masturbate turns them on and can be a great lead in to sex, I'm wondering how people feel about their partner's solo masturbation. That is, do people mind their significant other masturbating by themselves, for their own benefit, rather than the combined enjoyment of watching/being watched?

My assumption is that most people wouldn't care either way. So what if he/she masturbates in the shower, or when they are alone during the day? It's just a quick release. A moment of self-interested pleasure that may actually put them in a better mood during your together time later on.

But what happens when you wake up in the middle of the night to a shaking bed and heavy panting? Are you still just as accepting if your partner is selfishly masturbating with you right next to them?! Again, my guess is that a lot of people would draw the line at this one. Although probably OK with their S.O. doing this in private, they are probably not OK with this not-so-covert middle-of-the-night operation! After all, you are available. You are present. You are breathing for goodness sakes. The lease your partner could do is give you the benefit of the doubt and ask if you'd like to join in or have sex! Sheesh!

So I see your point. On the other hand I personally wouldn't care so much. After all, my husband knows how much I value my sleep, and waking me up for a quickie probably wouldn't go down so well...But that's just me. Then again, in the above scenario he did hypothetically wake me up anyway, but I'd be happy he at least didn't do it on purpose and was trying his best to be thoughtfully quiet.

The other issue that comes to mind is fantasizing during masturbation. Is it wrong to fantasize about someone other than your S.O.? Is it kinda like cheating? Is there a difference between making someone up in a fantasy and fantasizing about the porn girl/guy? All good questions...But I'll leave those to another post...

Feel free to leave your opinions in the comments section below!

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5 Reasons Why Masturbation is Good for Mothers

I have to start by thanking Kristofer for pointing out that May has been declared National Masturbation Month since 1995 by the wonderful people over at Good Vibrations. How this has slipped by me is anyone's guess, so I'm giving you, my dear reader, my not-so-sincerest apologies for having missed this monumental event in the past.

That being said, this weekend is also Mother's Day, and I think it would be fun to celebrate both events at once. Here goes.

Apparently Masturbation Month was declared as a way of raising awareness about masturbation and taking away the taboos that surrounded this incredibly common, though rarely discussed, practice. Twelve years later, I think masturbation has finally secured its place as an accepted and rather mundane part of almost everyone's life - except perhaps the very conservatively religious among us. Even Christians are finding ways to reconcile their beliefs with masturbation. Because of this, Masturbation Month seems to have transformed into a purely uninhibited celebration of auto-erotic activity. Now, now, calm yourself! I can see the crazy gleam of excitement dancing in your, er, eyes.

And because you guys are a particularly clever lot of blog readers, I'm sure you've already heard about the health benefits of masturbation so I won't bore you with that stuff here. I do, however, want to point out why masturbation is particularly good for wives and mothers, though I realize many mothers are not wives! So without further ado...

Reasons Why Mothers Should Masturbate:

1. Stress Reduction! Yes, masturbation really does relax you, and mothers are some of the most stressed-out people I know! A more relaxed Mom will make the whole family happier. How does that old saying go? "When Mom's not happy, nobody's happy!"
   
2. More Fun For Dad! It seems the more women masturbate, the more open they are to their partner's sexual advances. At first this seems odd. If she's taking care of her "needs" by herself, wouldn't she want less sex? Turns out the answer is no. Now whether that's because masturbating makes women hornier, or horny women masturbate more is for you to decide. Also, women like to have multiple orgasms...Maybe the first one she gives herself is like an appetizer, gearing her up for more action with her man.
   
3. It Promotes Sleep! Mothers are notorious for being in bad moods due to lack of sleep, especially new Moms who wake up frequently to nurse or give bottles during the night. Masturbating at bed time is a perfect way to help your body wind-down from a busy day.
4. Strengthens the Pelvic Floor! Do your Kegels, do your kegels! It's like a mother's mantra during and after pregnancy. Luckily, orgasms are another great way to tone up those inner muscles. This may be one of the only honestly fun kinds of exercise that exists.
5. Did I Already Say Stress Reduction?

Happy Masturbation-Mother's Day Month!!

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"Hot Man's" Best Performance Yet!

Yes, I'm allowed to feed my own pathetic obsessions too! But for everyone else who enjoyed last weeks piece on Julien the Hottie, trust me, this performance is even better!

Be patient, he starts off "normal" and "calm" but...wait for it...wait for it...TINGLES! Yum.

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5 Ways to Get Her On Top

Photo Kindly Provided By: A. Kaye Photo - The Art of Women

For many heterosexual men having their women in the active, or "on top," position during sex is one of the most physically intense and emotionally gratifying ways to make love. Unfortunately a lot of women are very hesitant to take on this dominant role for two reasons; they don't like their bodies so they don't want their partner's to see any more of their bodies than is necessary and they are afraid they will "do it wrong." Men can help ease these concerns by being aware of how vulnerable being on top makes their woman feel, and by responding with care and sensitivity.

Below are five of the best ways to make your woman feel comfortable about getting on top.

1. Tell Her How Beautiful She Is - I know it sounds trite, but sincerely telling her just how hot, sexy, and gorgeous you think she is while in the heat of the moment will not only make her feel loved, but will give her the confidence she needs to put herself out there. Most on-top positions put the woman's body on display, a large reason why men like them so much. But for a woman who would rather have sex in the dark, having her lover's gaze wander over her "flawed" figure is not an appealing thought. So, try picking specific parts of her body and tell her exactly why it turns you on. The key is to make it personal. Instead of telling her how much breasts in general excite you, tell her why you think her breasts are so sexy. The more personal you make the compliment, the more likely she will be to "show off" her assets for you.
2. Tell Her How Good It Feels - Just as men sometimes suffer from performance anxiety, women are also prone to feeling nervous when taking control of a sexual situation. She may be worried about hurting you, about not living up to your expectations, or about not comparing to your past lovers. Verbally encouraging her to continue and telling her how good what she is doing feels will let her know she is on the right track to pleasing you.The more praise she receives, the more adventurous she will be.
3. Use a Blindfold - If tip number one doesn't work, then get a little kinky and try using a blindfold on her to help ease her insecurities. She will feel better if she can't see you looking at her. Logically this doesn't make any sense, but trust me, emotionally it works. By putting her in the dark she'll be able to relax as though the lights were off, and you'll be able to get the full views you desire. It's a winning situation for everyone. Plus, you might think she's even hotter in the blindfold!
   
4. Have Her Face Away From You - Putting her in positions where she doesn't have to look directly at you may relieve some of her anxiety, especially if she is shy. Even though she may love her body and not mind you ogling it to your heart's content, she may be uneasy opening herself up and being that sexual. Taking on a "passive role" during sex means that little of her own sexual personality has to come through - she can just follow your lead. Being on top, however, forces her to confront her own sexual nature in a very different way. Again, the best thing is for you to be patient, encouraging, and to let her discover her own "groove." After all, you may be surprised to discover your usually delicate partner is a wild cat inside, or you may see a much softer woman emerge from an otherwise assertive lover...
5. Guide Her In The Beginning - Finally, if your woman is really weary about taking control, ease her into it by putting her physically on top but still keeping rhythmic and penetrative control. Put your hands on her hips and have her follow your movements, just like she would if you were on top. This can give some women a feeling of security while getting comfortable with the new positions. Don't be surprised though if after a couple minutes up there she removes your hands and begins to set the pace herself. Once she notices how good you feel in "just that spot" she will undoubtedly take control so that she is pleasing herself...and you in the process of course!

Taking control for the first time sexually is always a bit of an emotional challenge, but these simple suggestions should give your lover the confidence she needs to get on top. Good Luck!

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Wanna Know Who I Think Is Sexy?

Aahhhh to be my Sexy Man. What does it take...Good looks, charisma, and charm? Sensitivity, sweetness, and compassion?

Nope, no way, boring. To catch my attention you have to be risky, on the edge, and multi-faceted. I like a man who makes me go, "What?! What?!" and then, "What?!" He has to make me laugh with his quirkiness, excite me with his lack of conformity, and challenge my ideas of masculinity. He has to be thoughtful at times, borderline depressive at others, and then completely out of his mind when it's time to break free. I want him to take me on his emotional roller-coasters, drag me to my own limits and dangle me over the abyss - all the while knowing that no one else could be as symbiotically beautiful as we are together. Even if it is our dysfunctions that make us perfectly functional, he has to be dependable, honest, and totally committed. It's an unusual mixture, but these men do exist (I'm married to one). So when I see these traits in another man, I have to smile.

Julien, in the above clips, is such a man. He's unquestionably bizarre, oddly handsome, and really really sexy. I know a lot of women won't agree with me, and will think I'm insane...But then again a lot of women will understand. When he says, "You know that I would be a liar, if I were to say to you, Girl we couldn't get much higher...Come on Baby light my fire!" I believe him. It's like he can't control himself, begging you to take it to the next level. Come on Baby, kick it up a notch! Turn me on, get me excited. I dare you!

And the naughty side of me can't help but respond. OK, Mr. Cocky, let's see what you can really do...

So I'm dedicating this post to all those women who SEE his incredible sexiness, who get turned on by explicitly passionate men, and who would never back away from such a challenge!

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