Vibrating Your Way to Health - What You Didn't Know About the History of Vibrators

Way back in the late 1800's the first vibrator was created as a medical device intended to treat and cure hysteria - a "disease" which only affected women and was characterized by: irritability, depression, confusion, heart palpitations, forgetfulness, insomnia, headaches, muscle spasms, ticklishness or weepiness (Lindemann, 2006).

Apparently the founders of modern medicine, all men let's remember, decided that women who suffered from any of the above conditions would feel much better if they simply orgasmed more. Of course, they didn't call it an orgasm because they believed women could only experience an orgasm via penile penetration. Wasn't that convenient? Instead these "pelvic massages" and "vibratory treatments" caused "local spasms" which led to "hysterical paroxysms." Nothing sexual per se, this was medicine, not obscenity!

I'm sure the women involved knew exactly what was going on. But who could blame them for seeking release where ever they could? Considering how little their sexual pleasure was considered in marriage at the time they probably didn't care where their orgasms were coming from as long as they were coming. After all, masturbation was a horrible sin - good women didn't do that! But, good women did go to Doctors...


It's interesting to note that because vibrators were considered a legitimate treatment for a legitimate problem they were accepted by society and readily used in Doctors' offices and homes. In fact, it wasn't until the 1920s with the glorious introduction of film and photographic pornography that the vibrator became associated purely with sexual pleasure for the first time. Needless to say the reaction of the conservative society was to ban the vibrator's use as such, and the poor vibe became an outcast, at least publicly, for the decades that followed.

Welcome to the Sexual Revolution of the 1960s! Finally sex for pleasure was cool, and the long-lost vibrator was back in the spot light. Since then it's lingered around, quietly popping it's head up here and there. Today's women don't think twice about buying, talking about, or using those little devices. But has the medical appeal disappeared completely?

Nope. Instead of treating hysteria, vibes are used to treat Sexual Dysfunction. Turns out those pervy old Drs were onto something. Having orgasms really does help to alleviate symptoms of depression, anxiety, irritability (think of how you feel after a month without cumming!), and so on. Having orgasms has great overall health benefits for both men and women due to the amount of endorphins released into the body. Plus the exercise is good for you too. Combined these things help relieve some causes of sexual dysfunction - primarily mental/emotional ones.


But where does the vibe fit in? Physically vibes encourage blood flow to the genital area which means it gets more oxygen. This leads to increased sensation and responses. Used as a treatment, vibes actually do help women in particular keep their genitals "primed" for sexual arousal.

A good catch phrase often cited in Sexological literature is "Use It or Lose It." As both men and women get older, those who maintain an active sex life continue to have satisfactory sex well into "old age," whereas those who do not suffer more genital degeneration and sexual pain. Something to think about. Regularly using vibes can help keep our genitals responsive and healthy into our senior years.

So, although the vibe has been reintroduced into the medical profession as a treatment, at least it's true sexual nature has come out of the closet!

Want to Know the Gritty Details? Check Out These Sources:

The Technology of Orgasm: "Hysteria," the Vibrator, and Women's Sexual Satisfaction (Johns Hopkins Studies in the History of Technology)

The Many Joys of Sex Toys: The Ultimate How-to Handbook for Couples and Singles

The Adventurous Couple's Guide to Sex Toys


Reference:

Danielle J. Lindemann, "Pathology Full Circle: A History of Anti-Vibrator Legislation in the United States," Columbia Journal of Gender and Law 15.1 (2006), Questia, 7 Sept. 2007 http://www.questia.com/PM.qst?a=o&d=5013997914

Are You Waiting to be Seduced?

It's Thursday evening and you're standing in line at the grocery store. Your significant other called just as you were leaving work to inform you that dinner would not be on the table when you got home because there was nothing edible in the house. Great. Perfect end to a crap day.

You look around at all the other miserable nine to five-ers who've had to make the same dinner grabbing pit-stop as you have. And then suddenly, out of the garbled faceless crowd, you see their eyes - intent, focused, unflinching. You look behind you. Surely those eyes aren't meant for YOU. You look back cautiously, and the eyes are still there, just the same. No, a little more hungry now, a little more bold. The person smiles a little, a turning up of their lips, nothing more - but it's a smile that's universally recognizable. The one that says, "Yes, I'm looking at you and I think you look delicious."

You look away and shuffle forward as the checkout line moves up, but the blush you're trying to hide is already heating your cheeks. Should you look at them again? Should you smile back? Should you pretend you didn't see the lust in their eyes and get out of the store as quickly as possible?

You know what the right thing to do would be, but you can't help yourself. It's the most thrilling thing that's happened to you all day. Those eyes. That smile. You look up again, pulse racing. But there's no one there. Your heart inexplicably sinks, and you feels as though a chance has been missed. But a chance at what? You weren't going to talk to them. You weren't going to exchange numbers. But maybe one more exchanged look would have been enough...

***

These secretly indulgent, unexpected, and utterly insignificant moments happen to us all at some point. They creep up out of nowhere and often make us wonder why that electric spark that passes so easily between strangers seems so hard to recapture with our long term significant others. For many, these moments make them doubt how "in love" they really are with their partners. Such a tiny exchange can cause all sorts of destructive thoughts - Am I bored with my relationship? Am I not close enough to my partner emotionally? Should I feel guilty about my attraction to this stranger? Should I tell my partner what happened when I get home?!

It's completely natural and very typical to experience momentary confusion, but the worst thing you can do is dwell on it too much. If you were perfectly content with your partner before this heart-pounding episode started, then you should rest assured that you are still content with your partner now that it is over. Just because someone looks at you "that way" and turns you on does not mean you're going to run off and start cheating.

Having said that, the fact that people experience these interactions with others should be some what of an incentive to keep your own relationship as spicy as possible. If your relationship is in trouble and both partners are not getting their needs met - either emotionally or physically - then these furtive glances across the grocery aisles are much more likely to be perused.

Essentially you can think of it this way: Everyone is always waiting to be seduced and swept away by a torrid and sexual romance. No one's life is ever too busy for such things. Somehow lovers always find the time to be lovers.

So the real question becomes: Are you going to let a stranger seduce your lover, or are you?

Intriguing Your Lover...Again
How to Seduce Your Lover with Compliments

Does Candlelight and Romantic Music Really Work?

Traditionally when a man wants to get a women into bed, he “romances” her.

He uses scented candles, delicious food, good wine, and saxophone-y background music. He tries to woo her into a state of harmonic bliss wherein his true intentions may go unnoticed…

He waits patiently, knowing there will be a moment when she is so intoxicated with the pleasantness of her experience, with the sensuality of her surroundings, that his own kisses will surreptitiously blend in to\ the other delicacies assailing her. He thinks himself clever. She enjoys drawing out the inevitable. And then, after much idle chatter, perhaps an innuendo or two for good measure, the game becomes too intense for either player to control alone…

So, finally, he wins. She reclines into the plethora of pillows, rose petals, and silk scarves he’s so carefully positioned around her. She is transformed into the temptress of his dreams…lifting her skirt, biting her lip, opening herself up for his pleasure…

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The Big Question: Why does it work? Why are cheap romance novels filled with this “crap“? What’s the secret behind candlelight and cheesy music?!!!

The Big Answer: It Gets Her Out of Her “Daily Routine” and Into Her “Fantasy“!

Women Need to be Mentally Turned On First

By far, women are more mental when it comes to sex. (Of course men think about sex a lot, but not in the same way as women do.) For most women to become sexually excited they literally *need* to mentally fantasize before and during the sexual experience. Without this running story, or bits of stories, most women won’t feel that tingly, passionate, “turned-on” feeling. In fact, women can physically become excited (wet, dilated pupils, increased circulation, etc.) and even achieve orgasm without ever feeling “turned on.” The duality between mental sexual excitement and physical sexual excitement doesn’t appear to be mirrored in men. Although some men have reported feeling this type of disconnect, it is a rarity, whereas for most women, it is the norm.

This disconnect is one reason why women have gained a reputation for being sexually fickle, confusing, and not liking sex as much as men. It’s certainly not that women don’t enjoy sex - but they have to be completely into the experience first - which can be very difficult to achieve. Everything from daily stressors to interfering thoughts have the potential to “turn her off.” One of the most common complaints women have is that during sex a very non-sexy thought will uncontrollably pop into her head, such as the laundry, which causes her excitement to plummet. Unfortunately, nothing can really be done about these random thoughts, but creating an “out of the ordinary” environment does help to refocus her attention on more “pressing” matters…

That’s why “romance” works. Anything that gets her imagination running in a sensual direction will be good for her/your sex life. A surprise dinner, a new dress, a “mystery” evening, a massage, will all help her to stop thinking about her next assignment at work and to start thinking about how wonderful the edges of your teeth feel as they graze along her thighs!

“Romance” is Not the Same for All Women!

It’s important to remember that different women will enjoy different “attention getters.” For example, the traditional candles may work for some women, but not for others. Ways to get her attention range from soothing caresses to rough hair-pulling. (Yes, there are many women who *enjoy* this type of foreplay but please don’t try it on just anyone! You have to know she’ll like this first!) The key here is to know your partner, know her fantasies, and know what will shift her frame of mind.

Now Turn On Her Body

Which leads us to the next step. Now that you have her mental attention, you have to focus her mind on her body and its sensations. There are so many different ways to do this that piles and piles of books have been written to guide you in this endeavor.

What you want to do is make her experience her senses - the smell of incense, the taste of strawberries, the sound of a whip - anything. Needless to say this step can be very creative (blocking certain senses to magnify others is also a great game, think blindfolds, headphones, etc.).

Once she is fully in her body, fully out of her mundane thinking and submersed in the world you have created for her, her attention will most likely shift to you all by itself. Every time you breath, she’ll notice how warm your breath is against her cheek. Every time you whisper, it’ll be as though you’ve surrounded her, engulfed her. She’ll want to be consumed by you…Desperately Consumed…

At this point she’ll be completely attuned to you (as hopefully you are to her), and sex will no longer be a series of thrusts and grunts, but an actual exchange. Sexuality taken to this intense level is what most women think of when they dream and fantasize about sex. If anything, rather than being less sexual than men, women want it so much that they are less willing to accept the “boring ho-hum” variety and are more likely to say “no” to sex more often because of it. In fact, when women are completely turned on, they often don’t want to stop the sexual encounter, but would prefer to keep it up for hours on end, having orgasm after orgasm. Turn her on the right way, and she is likely to wear you out with the ferocity of her sexual appetite.

Things to Remember:

1) “Romance” is getting her attention away from her “every day” thoughts. Romantic techniques that work are different for every woman.

2) Capture her imagination, then remind her how wonderfully sensuous she is!

3) Once you’ve turned her on both mentally and physically make sure you’ve set aside enough time to enjoy the power, intensity, and stamina of her sexuality.

4) Be creative, and ENJOY HER.

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Stereotypes...Really? Still?

As the title suggests, I've been thinking about stereotypes lately, particularly those involving women's sexuality, and was wondering if they actually still exist in mainstream U.S. culture.

Stereotypes like:

Women Don't Masturbate.
Women Don't Like Sex.
Women Aren't As Sexual As Men.
Women Only Have Anal Sex To Please The Man.
Women Who Are Overtly Sexual Are Sluts.
Women "Bring On" Rape When They Dress Too "Provocatively."
Women Are Sexually Submissive/Shy.
Women Don't Feel The Need To Orgasm During Sex.
Etc...

These issues are talked and written about a lot, but how many people honestly still believe in them? Part of me feels like women have finally found their rightful place in Sexual Wonderland, and that people keep bemoaning these old stereotypes because they have nothing else to write about. After all, it's much easier to write an article telling women to "express themselves sexually" or "it's OK to feel sexual regardless of what people think" than it is to come up with new and truly intriguing articles about exploring sexuality itself. (Trust me, I know!) Even I'll admit to falling back on the easy "Stereotype Breaking" article routine...

But more and more I think those oh-so-revealing-and-liberating! type hype is just outdated. Today's women are sexually familiar with themselves. More women have vibrators and other sex toys now than ever before. They don't feel guilty for their physical exploits, so why bother writing crap that assumes they do and tries to convince them not to be? When I come across these kinds of articles, I roll my eyes in response. "Here we go again..." I think to myself...and if I think that I'm sure plenty of other women have the same reaction.

Hmm, realizing this, what the hell can I write about instead? OK, so both men and women are guiltless sexual tigers who go around parading their openness and enjoying mutual, respectful, and healthy gratification each and every time they have sex.

Does that sound about right to you? No, it doesn't to me either. I guess we're still somewhere between those extremes...Not uptight and ridden with fiery images of Hell or hairy masturbatory palms, but not happy-go-lucky and perfectly cognizant of the health consequences either. I guess there is more work to be done...Thank Goodness for Me!

But really, can we, as sexologists, as sexperts, as whatevers, stop with the Stereotype Cleansing Articles? We get it already! We're cleansed! Time to move on to the hard, intense, and juicy aspects of sex...the nitty-gritty stuff that we do soooo enjoy. Let's work on improving those things, and put the Stereotype Talk to rest!

That said, do you agree that these stereotypes are finally gone...Or am I wrong? Do the women you encounter have any of these or other equally well-known stereotypical hangups? Do you as a woman fit these stereotypes?

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Erotic? What's That?!

I came across an interesting blog article called Where is the Real Sex? It's not on a sex blog per se, but the author brought up a good point, arguing that sex in American pop culture (music, movies, etc.) has lost its erotic appeal. Val concludes, "too many Americans are not afraid of sex but eroticism terrifies them." And I think I agree, though admittedly I haven't given this much thought yet.

To help me work through this issue I consulted the all-knowing Merriam-Webster dictionary online. According to this oracle, Erotic is: "of, devoted to, or tending to arouse sexual love or desire" or "strongly marked or affected by sexual desire." Hmm, sounds good, but what exactly is Desire? Apparently it's "to long or hope for" and "stresses the strength of feeling and often implies strong intention or aim."

So as I understand it, an erotic scene would be one that causes the viewer to become sexually aroused, but on an emotional level (hence the sexual love part) as well as a physical one, AND causes the viewer to want to have sex in such a manner. Based on this, I agree with Val, most sex scenes or suggestive videos do not meet these requirements because they lack the emotional depth for this kind of sexual appeal.

The flat sexuality that is often portrayed undoubtedly causes physical arousal for most people. It doesn't take much to make humans hard, wet, get to get them thinking about sex in its general forms. Like other animals, we're programmed to behave in these ways with the right stimulus. But are these images putting you in an erotic frame of mind? Is it making you look at the object of your sexual desire with love...or at the very least sexual respect?

Probably not. There is a difference between sticking your penis in someone, jostling it about for a while, and then taking it out verses actually experiencing the combination of nervous excitement, expectation, longing, and emotional catharsis that a truly erotic encounter can create. It's the difference between eating your favorite foods with a clothespin on your nose verses taking your time to fully breath and savor the bursts of flavor in every bite.

Knowing this, my question becomes, why are we taking away the sinfully pleasurable indulgences of our sexuality and constantly passing around the boring stuff? My only answer is that it's much easier to trigger our physical responses than our sexual emotions. (No I'm not going into the feminist women-as-objects-in-our-culture-debate here!) Showing a woman's ass bouncing around in a thong is very easy to capture on film. Making the viewer fall in sexual love with her and want to have emotionally passionate sex with her is much much harder.

But wouldn't it be worth the effort? Think back, and I'm sure there have been at least a couple scenes that have aroused all of you, not just your body. Weren't those the truly memorable ones? Didn't you replay them in your mind just to feel that incredible sexual craving again? Of course you did, because it's one of those rare feelings that make life worth living. It's passion. It's intensity. It's exactly what you felt when you first fell in love/lust.

And we're letting our creative laziness block it out!

So here's what I want you, my highly appreciated readers to do. Tell me in the comments section what movies, videos, etc. are really erotic to watch. I want to see them! I want to feel them! And I want to give credit to those artists who went beyond the physical to give us a glimpse of the real reason we love sex.

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Can Someone Really Love You AND Hit You?

Photo Kindly Provided By: A. Kaye Photo - The Art of Women

Nelli, one of my favorite fellow bloggers, wrote a post today asking exactly this question. Because I enjoyed her post so very much, I left a rather lengthy comment and thought I'd share it with you. Below is the comment, but be sure to check out the original post here.

What Do You Think?!

"Hi Nelli, I agree this is a great topic and one that is very emotionally heated. Do I think you can hit someone you love? YES. Do I think that justifies it or justifies staying in such a relationship? NO.

At the core, we are animals. As much as we try to hide it, deny it, cover it up with fluffy moral chatter, we are designed to react violently to certain situation. I know this is a very unpopular view, but I do think that you can truly love someone, and given the right situation, hurt them physically.

You mentioned cheating as an example. Catching your beloved with someone else, or learning about it afterward, can trigger very deeply held emotions that are not governed by our pre-frontal cortex, the logical, thinking part of our brain. Essentially, the rational part of our brain can be over ridden by other parts - such as the limbic system which largely governs our emotional reactions, potentially leading to violence. Hence the "temporary insanity" plea (which I agree is very over used!).

However, knowing and understanding this does not justify staying in an abusive relationship because there are a lot of people who do have a great ability to "control" themselves. No one should stay with a partner who has hit them in the past. If they've already demonstrated an inability to inhibit their violent reactions once, they will undoubtedly do it again under high emotional stress.

But just because someone hits you, does not necessarily mean they do not "really" love you.

For the record - Sex and violence have a very strong connection to each other in almost all species of animals that use sex as a means of reproduction. Of course sex between people can be wonderfully soft, gentle, and romantic...But sex does have a much rougher side that can't and shouldn't be ignored. Although rape is certainly something that should be punished, there is some truth behind the idea that men are just sexually aggressive. Not to mention that most women have fantasies about being dominated to varying degrees...even being raped. Again I am not condoning rape in any way, but I want to point out that sexual power dynamics are always present and are often very arousing."

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What Type of Seducer are You?

Here's a little silly fun for your Saturday...Apparently my seduction style is "Hard to Get." Hmmm...Figures! Enjoy!

Your Seduction Style: Prized Object

The seduction game you play is tried, true, and still effective: hard to get. You know that the best seducers turn the tables - and get their crush to seduce them. The one running has the power, and you're a challenge that is worth the chase. You are a master of enticing and pulling back. Giving a little and taking some away. You are controlled enough to know rewards come after a long seduction dance. Even though you want to call, email, or say "I love you" first - you don't! You're style is the perfect mix of hot and cold - so much so that you have many suitors. Think Holly Golightly from Breakfast at Tiffany's ... or any of those creepy guys from the Bachelor. You're skilled at inspiring a chase. The real test is picking the person to slow down for.

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

Wanna Play Dr.?

When she was three
Her barbies always did it on the first date
Now she's with me,
There's never any need for them to demonstrate...

Barenaked Ladies - "Life, In a Nutshell" -

In today's world of high-profile child molestation and sexual abuse cases, one of our most used coping mechanisms as a society seems to be the complete denial of positive childhood sexual experiences. As someone who used to be employed in the child care industry, both privately as a sitter and professionally as a kindergarten teacher, I know how "touchy" this issue can be.

When something even vaguely sexual came up, I reported it to the parents immediately - mainly to cover myself in case it became a contentious issue later on. For instance, around the ages of two-four, as many parents can relate, a common "problem" is that children take their clothes off and refuse to put them back on. Sure, you can make them stay dressed, but then you get to enjoy an hour of crying, instead of an hour of happy naked time. So, when a parent would come home to a smiling shirtless three year old instead of a fully clothed screaming monster, I would make sure to explain why. Luckily everyone I worked for were good people who just laughed and said, "Yeah we know. He/she does it to us too!"

But while running around naked is one thing, what happens when you find your toddler and their "best friend" in the closet kissing each other's genitals? You might say this type of sexually explicit behavior doesn't happen at such a young age, but the research into sexual development begs to differ. In fact, the rudiments of human sexual behavior are present from birth. Granted, these behaviors are exploratory in nature and not yet goal oriented as they are during puberty and beyond, but their existence shouldn't and can't be denied.

So what exactly is normal and healthy sexual play for your little ones? Like most aspects of development, it depends, but certain trends show time and again. In 1958 Spiro found (I know it's an old study but these things don't change that quickly!) "that the most frequent expression of heterosexual behavior consisted of a simple embrace of one child by another, followed in frequency by stroking and caressing, kissing, and touching of genitals" (Martinson, 1994) between the ages of three and eight. Interestingly, many of these sensually exploratory behaviors occurred less frequently or stopped all together when children reached the age of five due to social conditioning. Already children become aware that playing these types of games or touching their friends in these ways was something adults largely disapproved of. The assumption is then that children's games would progressively become more goal-oriented and sexually explicit earlier on without the inhibitory effects of social conditioning.

Given that children will naturally explore what feels good, how should you react as a parent? Well, that's really up to you and your personal sex values. One way to look at it is from a health rather than a moral perspective. How much information do you want your children to have about sex and how do you want them to acquire it? Simply ignoring it or pretending that children aren't sexual will not make it magically go away. At some point every parent will be confronted with this issue, and how you react will have an effect of how your child perceives sexuality, at least through adolescence, and potentially for the rest of their lives.

Luckily, giving children correct biological information about sexuality and reproduction does not have to be as challenging as many people make it out to be. Children are curious and open-minded little things. Telling a six year old that "a baby comes out of the vagina" when they ask is really not that shocking to them. The conversation will probably be very anticlimactic from your perspective as their reaction will likely be "oh" or "gross"...However if you wait until that six year old is twelve, and that twelve year old has always believed babies come out of the belly-button, you will certainly rock their world and send them for reality loop when you give them the real answer. In my opinion, I'd rather tell them the truth a little at a time when they ask about it rather than build up a series of age-appropriate lies that will later give them cause to doubt the validity of everything I say.

So when it's my turn to open up that closet door, what will I do? I'll Laugh...and then I'll probably laugh some more...But once I regain my composure I'll just say, "OK kids...put your clothes back on, let's go color instead..."

Source:

Martinson, Floyd M. (1994) The Sexual Life of Children. Bergin & Garvey, Westport CT.

The Allure of Darkness

Sometimes inspiration comes in the strangest of places. As I was exiting the bathroom last night, instead of opening the door and turning off the light as usual, I accidentally turned off the light before opening the door, momentarily plunging myself into utter darkness. I was surprised by an unexpected feeling of delicious apprehension. I love being in the dark, but recently I haven't had the opportunity to sink into its depths. For reasons I won't go into here, I've had to sleep with a night light for the past few months, something I normally don't do because...like I said...I prefer the dark.

So, as I stood there, perfectly alone, perfectly still...I began to feel...aroused. How curious, I thought to myself. I became instantly turned on just by flipping the light switch. Excited, focused, waiting...It really was that easy. Of course, because I enjoy these sensations so much, I lingered for a few extra seconds in the bathroom, just for the fun of it...

Having experienced that, I began to wonder. Surely, if I had that reaction to being in the dark, other people must as well. I always figured people made love in the dark out of shyness, lack of confidence in their bodily appearance, and so forth. After all, since men are such visually stimulated creatures, they like to fight for sex in the light. But maybe there's more to this dark sex desire than the negative motivations I've attributed to it.

Maybe surrounding ourselves with a mysterious void forces our partner's actions to become our entire world. Like wearing a blindfold, every touch becomes that much more intense, every whisper seeps into our pores, and we rid ourselves of all those pesky visual distractions. (Especially true for women who often get distracted by things like dirty socks on the floor or a glass that might be knocked over!)

Plus, aside from the sensual advantages, for many people, myself included, there's still a tiny part of them that's afraid of the dark. Sure, we rationalize to ourselves that just because the lights are off does not mean monsters automatically crawl out from under the bed...But then there's the other part of our brain, way in the primitive section, that still freaks out regardless of what we tell ourselves. Thank goodness for this throwback though, because it just adds to the spice of sex in the dark all the more! It's an innocent, momentary thrill that kick starts our adrenaline, focuses our attention, and places us in the perfect state of mind for some naughty adult play...Perhaps imagining that the scary monster does come out...and slips quietly under the sheets...and begins to run his hands all over my...Oh wait, sorry, I digress!

Anyway, during your next nocturnal bathroom break, be wicked and turn off the light before you open the door. Yeah it's silly...But you know you're going to try it anyway. :)

Sexual Force in Women's Fantasies - Why Do We Have Them?

Considered one of the most controversial topics in sex research today, the prevalence of force in sexual fantasies is both undeniable and unexplained. For a myriad of cultural and societal reasons, research into this topic is scarce and the findings are largely inconclusive. Their are, however, a few prevailing theories as to why people, women in particular, become aroused while thinking of scenarios involving the loss of personal control and/or submission - sometimes to the point of imagining mental and physical violence to themselves (as in rape fantasies).

The most respected theories to date are the Sex-Guilt Theory (Knafo & Jaffe, 1984), Erotophilia-erotophobia Scale (Fisher, Byrne, White, & Kelley, 1988, p. 123), and the Feminist Perspective.

Simply put, the Sex-Guilt theory suggests that women who feel the least guilty about their own desires and sexuality engage in more force fantasies than do women with a high degree of sexual guilt because the less guilt one has, the more open one is to fantasizing about unconventional sex acts. But there is a big problem.

This same theory has also been used to argue the exact opposite. Some researchers hypothesize that women with more sex guilt will have more force fantasies because mentally relinquishing control to someone else allows these guilt-laden women a release from responsibility for their sexual behavior. By saying to themselves, "My lover made me do it" instead of "I did it because I wanted to" gives them an emotional scapegoat. So, because the Sex-Guilt Theory can account for a high amount of force fantasies in both low and high guilt women, I don't believe it has much explanatory value.

The Erotophelia-erotophobia Scale is exactly as it sounds. On the Erotophelia side are all those people who feel great about sex and enjoy it very much. They would probably, but not necessarily, be the same people who feel the least guilty about their sexual behaviors. On the Erotophobia side are all those people who do not like sex and may even fear the act itself. With regard to force fantasies, those on the Erotophelia end are the most likely to report having them. A recent study conducted in 2006 confirmed the association between the Sex-Guilt Theory and Erotophelia-Erotophobia Scale.

"It would be anticipated that women with low sexual guilt would not only have more force fantasies, but would also have more varied and frequent sexual experiences as well as a greater general affinity toward sex. In this study, sexual guilt was negatively linked to sexual experience and erotophilia, providing additional support for this openness-to-sexuality theory." (Horne & Shulman, 2006)

Finally, an answer, right? This means women who are open to sexuality fantasize more about force! Oh wait, let's think a moment...Maybe the open-to-sexuality group of women is willing to share the fact that they have these fantasies to researchers, whereas the closed-to-sexuality group of women is not. If I had to guess, I'd say much of the apparent differences in fantasy content is a problem of self-reporting rather than an actual difference. Perhaps the Feminist Perspective will shed some light on this issue.

Ahhh, Feminists hate this topic because it makes them fight each other - just like the pornography issue. Considering myself as part of this group, should we embrace force fantasies as part of our inherent sexuality, reveling in our desires for sexual submission - or are these fantasies an outcome of our internalized male-dominated cultural values?

Another great question arises, what of lesbians who have force fantasies? Although the research on this is well - nonexistent as far as I know - if you search the web their are plenty of sites dedicated to exploiting just this desire. Women's force fantasies do not always involve men as the aggressors. (And I do realize that many men also have force fantasies with women as the dominant, but I am limiting this discussion to women's fantasies...I'm not trying to write a book here!) Clearly feminists are not going to help solve this puzzle.

With the muddled theories and research failing to provide any real conclusions, I'm left once again to my own devices to answer the question of Why. And although I'll admit to having nothing to support my view, here it is. I think women, and many men, are turned on by the idea of being overpowered by someone else because it's exciting and arousing in a very physiological sense. If we are suddenly attacked or feel threatened, our bodies basically respond the same way as when we're sexually aroused. Our hearts beat faster, our senses become more acute, our attention focuses sharply, and for that short period of time we are transported outside of our usual state of consciousness into another. Our mind becomes confused and begins to blend the sexual with the threatening because they "feel" the same, at least in the beginning stages.

So, that's it, my entire theory. Easy. Simple. No cultural this, no societal that. Just plain physiological experience. And for the record, don't feel guilty if you do have these fantasies; enjoy them, relish them, and forget them...After all, when something is this fun, who cares about why?!

Sources:

Fisher, W. A., Byrne, D., White, L. A., & Kelley, K. (1988). Erotophobia-erotophilia as a dimension of personality. The Journal of Sex Research, 25(1), 123-151.

Horne, Sharon G., Shulman, Julie L. (2006). Guilty or Not? A Path Model of Women's Sexual Force Fantasies. The Journal of Sex Research, 43. 368+.

Knafo, D., & Jaffe, Y. (1984). Sexual fantasizing in males and females. Journal of Research in Personality, 18, 451-462.

Obsession, Seduction, Possession

If I had to sum up my sexual desires into just one picture, I think this would be it. There's something about the possessive/tender way he's holding her, the hungry, almost threatening look in his eyes. She's given her all to him...and he's reveling in that power.

Maybe it started at a bar, or in a library, or at work. It doesn't really matter where. What does matter is that he saw her, scented her, and made the decision to go after her. But how?

Obsession

First, he stalked her. She consumed his every waking thought as well as his darkest fantasies. He was smart about it though, and casually asked around, found out who she was - her name, favorite foods, that she preferred stringy lingerie. Eventually he could recite her weekly schedule better than she could. Only when he was sure he knew everything there was to know about her, content he'd gathered enough ammunition against her, did he begin the chase.

Seduction

She didn't realize what was happening at first. They just seemed to run into each other a lot - like at the grocery store. She guessed he just lived close by, and thought nothing else of it. Then one Friday evening while renting a movie he was suddenly behind her, whispering in her ear, his body too close. When he spoke she could feel his warmth, his breadth, and that's all that seemed to matter. His proximity made her nervous, and her nervousness made her excited. But before she could respond, he left.

The next morning she tried to recall what he'd said to her as she lay alone in bed, but his words had been vague, or was it her memory that was vague?...Something about the shampoo she used? Could that be right? She dismissed the thought, remembering only the feeling of his body behind her as her hand slid beneath the sheets...

Two weeks and a few dates later, he grew tired of waiting, and began to hunt her in earnest. His end-of-the-night kisses now included pinning her to the wall, or sinking his fists into her hair. He liked her resistances, and understood them as an act. He could taste her increasing desire, but refused to give into his own. He wanted the time to be right. He wanted her to understand. He wanted to hear her beg.

Possession

And finally, on one not so special night, he went for the kill. Without a preamble or a warning, he bared his claws, locked his jaws, and refused to let her go...But in that final moment, a curious thing happened. Instead of struggling in his arms, she relaxed completely for the first time. His teeth scraped against her skin, promising to devour her. So she closed her eyes, tilted her head back, and offered him her throat - waiting, suspended, free.

And in her languid stillness, in her utter silence, he heard her beg...

Come Here...I Want to Smell You!

A hug. A kiss. A cuddle before bed.

Whether you're conscious of it or not, the way your lover smells plays a large roll in your every day interactions with them. More so than anyone else, your lover is allowed to pass in and out of your invisible personal space barriers almost as if they didn't exist. (Sometimes to a very annoying degree!) This close proximity forces you to breathe in their scent, be it natural/perfumed, good/bad, and as a result, your brain makes primitive judgments about your overall sexual compatibility.

In recent years perfumes/colognes claiming to contain human sexual pheromones have become common place on the market. The manufacturers of these scents say that the pheromones will attract lovers to the wearer without any extra effort. For example, all a woman would have to do is walk by and smell your ultra-sexy, pheromone-enhanced masculine scent and she would fall adoringly at your feet. Now although effects of this magnitude are not only statistically improbable, but realistically ridiculous, there is something to be said about the way a potential lover smells.

Studies have shown that women in particular use scent as part of their mate selection criteria (maybe because women have a better sense of smell than do men). One study led by Chris Wedekind at the University of Bern in Switzerland found that women were most attracted to men who had dissimilar MHC profiles than their own.

"A segment of our DNA called the major histocompatibility complex (MHC) codes for some of these disease-detecting structures, which function as the immune systems eyes. When a disease is recognized, the immune system's teeth--the killer T cells--are alerted, and they swarm the intruders, smothering them with destructive enzymes. Unlike many genes, which have one or two alternative versions (like the genes that code for attached or unattached ear lobes), MHC genes have dozens of alternatives. And unlike earlobe genes, in which the version inherited from one parent dominates so that the version inherited from the other parent is not expressed, MHC genes are "co-dominant." This means that if a lab mouse inherits a version of an MHC gene for resistance to Disease A from its mother and a version lending resistance to Disease B from its father, that mouse will be able to resist both diseases." (Furlow, 1996)

Right...What does this mean exactly?! It means that women picked the men whose immune system profiles were the least like their own. If she were to have a child with the men she thought smelled the best, then that child would have the best of both immune systems, essentially making it stronger than both parents. This is how mice select their partners...and it seems human women do the same thing.

So there is no elite group of Good Smelling Men. There will always be some women who like a particular man's smell and some who don't.

But once you've found that partner with the perfect smell...When is the best time to give them a loving sniff? Here are the results of last week's poll:

During Sex - 26% (No surprise there!)
Just Before Sex - 21%
After a Shower - 21%
After Sex - 16%
When You Wake Up - 11%
After a Work Out - 5%

Just a thought - If you think your partner smells their best right after a shower, you might want to ask yourself why. This is typically when they smell least like their natural selves...and based on the evidence above, you might be sleeping with the wrong person!

Thanks for voting!

Source: Article Title: The Smell of Love: How Women Rate the Sexiness and Pleasantness of a Man's Body Odor Hinges on How Much of Their Genetic Profile Is Shared. Contributors: F. Bryant Furlow - author. Magazine Title: Psychology Today. Volume: 29. Issue: 2. Publication Date: March-April 1996. Page Number: 38+. COPYRIGHT 1996 Sussex Publishers, Inc.; COPYRIGHT 2002 Gale Group.

The Sexual Benefits of Virtual Lovers

Not that I am trying to date myself, but as part of the first wave of computer literate adolescents I'll admit to spending a great deal of my free time exploring my growing sexuality online. If I had a question, I googled it. If I wanted to test out a new sexual persona, I simply popped into a chat room and engaged the first "wanna cyber?" request. After all, it really didn't matter who was on the other end as long as they could type fast enough.

I loved that I could pretend to be any age, any gender, any hair color...Hell, I didn't even have to be human or obey the laws of physics! I could have sex as a floating upside-down green fairy in the middle of a chocolate-filled lake if I wanted!

This ultimate, imaginative, interactive, sexual exploration allowed me to come to a foundational understanding of who I was, not only as a sexual being, but as a woman. The best part was that my exploration had no real world consequences. I couldn't become pregnant or catch a disease. I didn't have to worry about hurting the other person's feelings, nothing! It was literally a mind-f*ck.

Even the sexual revolution of the 1970's, when people were advocating sex for the sake of sex, no strings attached, couldn't say as much. Although the emotional strings may have been cut, the physical ones were still very much in place.

Then came the miraculous birth of the internet, and with it, the first truly non-consequential sex. As a teenager, my entire world cracked wide open. “Yeah, but it’s not really sex,” you might say. “There are no bodies involved, and if there are no bodies, then there is no sex!”

Hmmm, although at first thought I tend to agree with you, the day-to-day evidence seems to go against that belief. Many people argue that their partners “cheat” on them with people online via cyber sex, and if this is a legitimate cause for concern, then perhaps cyber sex should be considered real sex, even without the use of our beloved bodies.


Back to my point, aside from the possible infidelity claim, online sex is as harmless as reading the dictionary…and arguably a lot more educational. The opportunity to mentally try out any sexual scenario with another person is perhaps one of the most valuable learning experiences we can have. For example, if you've heard of xyz and think xyz might turn you on but are too shy to actually do it or don't have a willing physical partner, then going through the imaginative motions of xyz online with someone could help clarify this for you, and relieve some tension at the same time.

Another benefit is that by trying out different personas you can learn which ones feel natural and which ones don't. Are you better at being overtly flirtatious, or do you prefer to let the other person guide the cyber play? Do you get annoyed or turned off by crudely explicit language? Do you like the details, or would you rather just stick to the general ideas?

All of these things helped me as an adolescent to gauge what type of sexual life I wanted to have, what I was "into," and the various ways in which people expressed their sexuality. Some of my online partners were very chauvinistic, and spoke to me during sex chats as though I were an object, using words like whore, slut, banged, f*cked, shoved, hot, etc. Others were very caring in the way they went about their seductions, using words like caressed, touched, fondled, placed, etc. Not only was the imagery different, the feelings they invoked in me during the chats were different. I quickly realized which types of lovers I preferred, what I liked to do, and perhaps more importantly, just how different everyone was in bed.

Plus, "cybering" wasn't limited to doing it with anonymous people we didn't know. In high school people would routinely have cyber sex with others in our school 'just for fun.' It was indeed meaningless, exploratory, implied no emotional involvement, and had no consequences. As a young adult in a country that glorified abstinence, it was perfect.

The Point

If this was my experience, then undoubtedly there are many others of my generation and later who can relate. As the internet continues to invade every aspect of our lives, the role of virtual sex partners in our sexual development will only increase. And although many people believe this to be a horrible consequence of technology, I see it as a great opportunity for healthful sexual exploration.

Can a Professional Submissive Make You a Better Dominant?

I recently received this question from one of my lovely readers, and thought it was provoking enough to make it a post. So, here is the question and my response to it. What do you think? Do you agree or disagree with me and why? I look forward to hearing your opinions! Thanks!

Question: I have been reading and soaking up the information in your blogs. I have been considering in getting my pecker wet, pun intended, with a prostitute who specializes in D/s. I am very excited with the thought of being a Dominant and don't want to embarrass myself by not being assertive and controlling in my initial forays into this new world that I am about to enter. I realize that it takes agreement between the consenting lovers on what is allowed and how far the dominance can go but I feel that assertiveness is a telling factor on convincing the submissive to open herself to the experience. Hopefully the professional experience will give me that knowledge and confidence.

Answer: This is a great question! I'd like to start by saying that I think it is wonderful you seem to be doing some good reading and taking the information seriously. I fully understand where your concerns are coming from. I think under the circumstances having an encounter with a paid submissive would probably not give you the insights you are looking for. There are a few problems that I can anticipate, but keep in mind that I have no first hand knowledge of this, although I have seen plenty of documentaries and read articles, etc., on paid D/s partners.

First of all, people who are paid to be Doms and subs typically do not engage in sexual intercourse of any kind with their clients. The services they provide can be centered on your particular fantasies, and of course, each person providing the service still has their own limits. For example, if a woman was sexually abused as a child by her father then probably scenes involving incest would be off limits, even if she is paid.

Secondly, many of these people obviously do this as a job, and their actual knowledge of the emotional intricacies that are involved in an actual D/s relationship may be very limited. While they may be able to "act" as a sub, they are not necessarily a sub, so may not be aware of the underlying emotional needs that a real sub has (there seem to be basic needs that create the category of sub, such as craving constant approval and attention, etc.) Because of this the knowledge that you in turn gain in terms of how a Dom should/should not act in a given situation may not be as useful in your 'real' encounters as you would like.

Thirdly, since every sub is different in the way she chooses to express those aspects of herself, there is no exact right/wrong way to act or be Dominant. It really has to be a match of desires. For instance, some subs love when their Doms are very strict with their every day routines. They want the Dom to manage all of their time and activities for them, and when they fail to do one of these activities, feel the need to be punished (and in the fun way); punished with something they really don't like. This period of punishment may allow them an emotional release that then brings them closer to the Dom. However, there are also subs for whom the idea of real punishment seems ridiculous. They would rather a Dom who is not so strict, but rather gives her list of things he likes/appreciates so that she can do those things at her own discretion. Under these less restrictive parameters, many subs find that they are more willing to do the things on that list than if given a direct order. So, as a Dom, you have to know exactly which way YOU prefer and then find someone who responds to that particular type of control. Essentially what I'm saying is that you do not need to go out and "learn" the "right" way to be Dominant, so your use of these paid subs should probably be just for fun and release, rather than taken as a lesson.

Finally, about your confidence/assertiveness concerns. I think you are right that these qualities can only come with experience. Because of the above, I'm not sure if experience with paid subs is exactly the right way to go. Rather I would try to find a local BDSM or Kink club in your area (they are all over)! and go to their munches. These typically happen once a month, and are just informal get togethers for people to connect and meet. They are usually wonderful resources, and many times can lead to real life experiences with people who understand and are sympathetic to what you are trying to achieve and learn. The key is to be open, and while I don't give guarantees, I think these groups would be a better way to start. I hope this was helpful!

*Do you have a burning question about sexuality that you would like me to answer directly? Feel free to email me at SpeakSexy@aol.com!*

Sexual Symphonies Served in a Tall Glass...

Does alcohol make sex better? I think its effects are particularly interesting. As you know, alcohol is a depressant, which literally means it slows down the functions of our bodies, such as our hearts, thus slowing down the entire circulatory system. Blood circulation, however, plays a major role in both the ability to become physically (sexually) aroused as well as influencing the way we interpret tactile sensations (Was that bite nice and soft? Just hard enough? Or what the hell were you thinking get off of me?!). Based on this one would assume that drinking four beers in quick succession would lead to a much slower sexual response time and a decrease in the pleasurable experience of sex. However, this ingenious substance also has the intriguing ability to inhibit our mental inhibitions. Although physically it may slow us down, mentally it opens us up, allowing a momentary respite from that ultra-critical, politically-correct voices which tells us what we can and can't do, what is and is not socially acceptable. So while those four beers may make us more lethargic, it also makes us more mentally excitable. But which effect prevails in the end? Well, if we use the amount of one-night stands as a gauge, I'd bet they more often happen while under the influence of Mr. Bubbles than not. Granted, not everyone who drinks becomes more sexually provocative. There are sad drunks, angry drunks, happy drunks, horny drunks, etc. Which makes me wonder, does drinking really bring out who we really are underneath that thin social facade created by our inhibitions? I know I become a lot more *affectionate* when I've put a couple glasses of wine behind me, and when sex does happen, I experience the act much more intensely than when I'm completely sober. I love being in that drug-induced haze where each touch and kiss feels uniquely distinct yet at the same time blend strangely together to create a perfect sexual symphony. I feel as though I can give more of myself, take more from my lover, and create something that is larger than both of us. Nothing comes close to that when I'm sober. Perhaps this is my own flaw...maybe I am too stressed, or too distracted. Wondering if I unloaded the dishwasher while in the middle of taking off someone's pants surely will not lead to that perfect sexual symphony! But, if I experience this, then there are undoubtedly others who will relate. Maybe alcohol forces me to focus by the very fact that it does slow me down. Maybe its effects are more profound on women since women are often cited as being distracted during sex. Maybe some people feel that drinking takes away from the intensity of sober sex. I can only speak for myself on this one, and my answer is unflinchingly YES, alcohol does make sex better, regardless of the reasons.

Four-year-old Super Hero Found!

His Power? The amazing ability to Sexually Harass Grown Women! That's right, CNN just broke the news today. There is a little boy in Waco, Texas (where else?!) that has been suspended from preschool for allegedly rubbing his face inappropriately against a female employee's breasts! Now although this action used to be called a *hug,* a behavior typical of all healthy little boys and girls, this little boy does it in such a way as to make the lucky woman feel harassed...sexually. This is a super power indeed! How in the world does such a young boy create within an adult woman the feeling of being sexually threatened or offended? Was it the come-hither look in his eyes, or the charismatic way he nuzzled her breasts? Don Juan step aside, we have found a new and improved version, and this model starts his seduction before he's entered kindergarten!

How I wish I were making this up. It is a very sad example of just how ridiculous the United States' mentality is toward sexuality in general. Sexual harassment laws began as a protection measure against the real social abuse that can occur within a structured workplace environment where one person has the authority to promote or demote someone else. All this truly meant was that a boss, typically male, could be prosecuted for promoting or demoting an employee, typically female, for merits or offenses unrelated to the job...In other words Boss Man could no longer fire Secretary Woman because she refused to have sex with him during lunch. After some time these laws expanded to the much more general idea that everyone has the right to a non-offensive working environment. Here is where I believe the law went one step too far, because trying to define exactly what a non-offensive working environment is is very subjective. Where this woman may find pictures of naked women hanging in her co-workers cubicle offensive, that woman may be fine with it. Where this women may feel threatened by a male co-worker complimenting her skirt, that woman may feel such compliments give her the boost she needs to actually enjoy coming in every morning. One just never knows what will and will not be considered offensive or to whom. This is precisely what has lead to the ultra-conservative, modern rules that now govern professional behavior. Not only is everyone scared to say too much, it is nearly impossible to have a conversation beyond the shallowest of levels. Just imagine this:

Woman: "The weather is nice today."
Man: "Yeah I wish I was at the beach, don't you?"
Woman: "No I do not wish I was at the beach you pervert! Stop thinking about how I would look in a bikini!!"

Next thing you know she has filed a complaint with the company regarding his inappropriate innuendos about them naked at the beach, and two weeks later, (after a thorough investigation of course), he finds himself befuddled and jobless. Seems a ludicrous scenario that has taken the very well-intended sexual harassment laws to the extreme, right? I'm exaggerating now, right?

And yet when I return to reality, I am confronted with the headline...Four Year Old Suspended for Sexual Harassment. There is it. And the only thing I have left to say is, I sure hope I get to meet this boy wonder when he grows up, because if he has the sexual wherewithal to harass at four, just imagine the things he'll be able to do at thirty-five...

Feminism, Rules, & Kink

Power dynamics are found in every human relationship. That's right, nothing too profound yet. And even though everyone knows that these dynamics exist, very little is ever questioned regarding how those dynamics form or how to change them once they are firmly established. In our professional lives these unwritten rules of behavior rarely pose a problem since they are often dictated by convention. Work place interpersonal conduct is usually very well outlined in either the bylaws of the company, or the larger laws of the country (often much too much in my opinion, but that's another topic!). However, the rules that govern intimate relationships tend to be much more flexible, with less outside structure imposed upon those involved, especially since the United States' sexual revolution of the 1970s when it was precisely those intimate rules that were largely overthrown. And while this was a wonderful turning point for gender equality, it nevertheless left monogamous, committed couples with a bewildering array of choices with which to move forward. If the woman was not supposed to be in the house tending the children, and the man was not supposed to be earning the money, what exactly were they each supposed to be doing? Whose job was it to empty the trash? Who was going to give the child that 2 AM bottle? Now you see the confusion. Whereas before it was clear who had responsibility over what, now there lay before a couple the extremely daunting task of deciding all of these things for themselves!

(But wait, isn't this a Sex Blog?! Of course it is, and I am getting to that part). With all of these behavioral reconstructions occurring, one of the areas that garnered the most attention was how the individuals within the couple would act toward each other in private. Would the wife continue to defer to her husband when making financial decisions? Would the husband continue to expect a ready dinner when he arrived home? In this new era both husband and wife had to ask the really tough question, the one most people avoid...what do I really want? If the relationship could now be structured for the sole purpose of pleasing those involved, both people first had to decide what that meant for themselves, and then had to find a working balance with their partners. And the worst part? Since most of their old behaviors were dictated for them, they didn't have to be discussed...Now couples were forced to talk, o p e n l y! As you can imagine, this alone lead to many many separations.

(And finally, the Kinky Sex part). However, for couples that did find a balance, the rewards were tremendous. They now had a unique set of rules to guide their everyday interactions that they were sure would make everyone happy. For those of you who are involved in the world of Dominance/submission this should be starting to sound intriguingly familiar. For those of you who are not, this is the basic premise of all D/s relationships...Know what you want, Discuss this with partner, Create unique rules for your relationship that work for both. Really the only difference between a non-D/s relationship and a D/s one is the level of communication and willingness to make up your own private behavioral world regardless of what the mainstream may think. If both people enjoy having the woman (or man) kneel when their partner comes home, so be it. If a wife enjoys being turned over her husband's knees and spanked because the roast was slightly overcooked, more joy to them! I don't understand why kinky and non-kinky folk just can't seem to get along! Can you tell which category I fall into?!

In closing, for those of you who believe that people who dress up in PVC and tie themselves to racks are just too strange to call friends, try to remember that they really are not all that different from you...they've just had the courage to make up their own rules...and live by them! Shouldn't we all be so lucky?

Misunderstandings of Affection

Hugging, caressing, kissing...These things are done as a warm-up to more profound sexual festivities, Right? But these things are also done for the sake of just doing said things...Right? If you answered yes to both questions, you can stop reading now. Congratulations, you must have perfect relationships. For the rest of us, I'd like to clear up a few things about affectionate acts. To begin, these supposedly lesser forms of sex play are often attributed to the needs of women. As a rule, it appears that women are thought to enjoy these aspects of sexuality just as much, if not more so, than the act of intercourse itself. Women tend to equate the amount of affection given and received as being directly proportional to the amount of love felt between partners. It is no surprise then, that when in a long term relationship, women often complain that their significant others are not as "loving" as they once were. They argue that the only time their lovers display these cuddling behaviors anymore is when something more is desired - i.e. "I am hugging you now in the hopes that you will want to have sex with me in ten minutes!" Women, on the other hand, want these hugs just for the sake of hugging. They don't want an ulterior motive to get one, and they certainly don't need an ulterior motive to give one! After all, to women hugs are love, not sex.

However, confusion often prevails when these signals are misunderstood, and many couples find that bestowing upon or receiving affection from their beloved becomes a battlefield over meaning. The stages of battle typically go something like this, using hugs as the example:

1. Man and Woman Give Hugs for Different Reasons
2. After time both understand that Her Hugs are just Hugs and His Hugs are for Sex
3. Woman stops Giving Hugs so as not to lead Man on, Woman starts rejecting Hugs when not in mood for Sex
4. End Result: Not Many Hugs! Man feels Rejected, Woman feels Unloved

Because none of these (mis)understandings about the interplay of affection are verbally discussed, this battle is continually waged in silence by both sides...unfortunately ending in complete defeat, with neither side the victor. Now I do realize that in the above example, there is the question...if the man understands that the woman's hugs are not for sex, then why does the woman stop hugging? The man will not take her hugs as having any more significance than the act itself. Nonetheless, in reality she does stop hugging because she doesn't know that he knows that she is hugging just to be affectionate. She only knows that she knows that his hugs mean sex. Yes, it's the classic, "she doesn't know that he knows that she knows that he knows" and so forth into infinity.

The simple solution to this affection confusion would be for the couple to TALK to each other about it. And although it seems easy and painfully obvious, most couples don't. In fact, most couples seem to prefer to avoid the tensions surrounding their lack of affection completely, content to wander around each other in a haze of quiet anger and befuddlement until finally the chasm is so wide between them that they seek professional outside help. While on the proverbial couch the man wonders why she shrugs out of his arms every time he tries to get close (especially in the instances where he has figured out she likes hugs for hugs and is trying to be a good partner by hugging her without wanting sex...just like he thinks she wants. This is compounded by the fact that the lack of affection in the first place makes him feel distant emotionally so he tries to bridge the gap with a physical act...typical of men by the way...thus trying to hug her even more!) The woman wonders why she no longer feels like spontaneously hugging her partner, yet at the same time longs for the abundance of affection typical of burgeoning relationships. Both partners feel estranged and have no idea why, often assuming they have fallen out of love with each other, and if the problem persists long enough, they separate.

Although easily avoidable, this is a common pattern within relationships. The (mis)understanding and (mis)use of affection can be linked to a diverse array of relational problems. Once, however, this pattern is recognized by both parties, they can easily find a level of affection that is agreeable to both, as well as decide upon other, perhaps more distinct behaviors, that signal "this is just because I love you" and "this is because I want to have sex with you," thus alleviating the confusion and allowing for more positive and consistent displays of affection.

Now for the kicker from my politically correct feminist side: I have purposefully used the stereotypical male and female roles in this article in order to make the misunderstandings regarding affection within a loving partnership easier to understand. However, these misunderstanding can happen in ANY couple, regardless of which genders are involved. There can just as easily be a man who likes hugs for the sake of hugs, as a woman who uses hugs as a signal for sex. I do not believe all women need high levels of affection, or that they enjoy these behaviors more than intercourse itself, and vice versa for men.

Question for Today - None. Thanks for Reading!